Team DILF's Guide To Loving...

DILF guide to loving….

Before kids, your mattress probably saw more action than the Expendables compilation on fast forward. Skip ahead to post kid(s) bedroom antics and things are a lot different. This handy DILF guides prepares you for what to expect when your wife gives birth to mini cock blockers.

1- When your better half asked for a back rub you knew it was game on. In fact, you were GIVING the massage totally naked and covered in baby oil…like some sort of Greek God that had been plucked from the sea. After kids, a request for a massage means the wife does actually have legitimate rhomboid issues and the chance of you getting thrown around the room like a part time wrestler = slim to none.

2- Pre baby, you picked condoms based on the flavour…or if the glow in the dark ones would make you look like Luke Skywalker sporting a mini light saber when the curtains closed. Now you consider the level of protection and expiry date.
“A 3 pack for a fiver? Sounds good.
But will I use them before they expire in 2023?
Not worth the investment.”

3- Impulsive love making is for teenagers and honeymooners. Parents use Google Calendar and try to find a time and date that suits both parties and doesn’t affect the current watching of box sets. “Next Tuesday at 8?” “Nah, sure we have that season of Vikings to finish”

4- Imagine two, high level Olympic gymnastics, performing the Karma Sutra with Barry Manilow playing in the background. Yeah it starts like this. As the years go by, it’s more like two Pandas having a bash to save their species while one of them scrolls through Facebook only stopping to ask if the front door is locked and if the cats have been fed.

5- *Climb into bed* “Oh this is so comfy, I could actually just go to sleep.” “Aww yeah. Fancy just going to sleep?” “Sounds great. Nite.”