Team DILF: Outings Before & After Baby

Team DILF – Pre baby cafe outing –

Wake up, shower, dress, leave house and arrive at destination.
Time taken: 45mins

TeamDILF – Post baby cafe outing –

Wake up shattered…about 3 hours before your body would actually like to be woken up.
Shower longer than you need to because well it’s quiet, peaceful and no one can hear you cry.
Feed baby. If you are not yet a parent you can practise by capturing a feral cat and bathing it. Expect scratches and a lot of weird noises.
Change your clothes again because you forgot babies like to puke if placed within 5 inches of your new T shirt.
Change baby’s nappy. This is where the fun begins. Your wife has a better sense of smell and chances are she has given you the explosion package. A 12 pound baby can produce half its bodyweight in poop and squirt it everywhere like a startled octopus. This defence mechanism is 95% effective so you might want to have another shower and change your T shirt.
Dress baby. Spend 30 mins placing limbs in the wrong sleeves and continue until you are semi happy with the outcome.
Hold baby out in the air Lion King style to show the wife how epic you are. She will tell you to change the baby because you dressed her in pyjamas and an upside down grow bag and not her going out outfit which apparently babies have.
Pack the survival kit. This bag contains everything you will ever need ever. You could actually drop the baby off in a forest with this bag and she could live well into her teens although you may have to visit and install wifi in a tree.
Sort out the pram, car seat, other pram bit and various attachments. Decide what to bring then bring everything just in case. The one bit you forget is the one bit you will need – fact.
Place the baby in the car seat. Start the clock. A baby in a static car seat is a ticking time bomb. If they aren’t moving within 2 minutes the doodoo hits the fan and you haven’t time for another shower and change.
Arrive outside destination. Feed baby in the car to avoid unnecessary dramas in public and or confined spaces in view of others.
Send partner inside on a recon mission to decide if the premises is suitable for prams so you don’t look like a knob trying to negotiate steps, tables and people.
Head inside for breakfast only to be told the breakfast menu is off because it’s almost night time.
Sit down for late lunch and discuss the possibility of suing all condom companies even though you planned a family on purpose like an idiot.
Time taken: 3 hours 17 minutes

Written by Neil McTeggart for his Facebook blog, Team DILF!