Inspiration For Victims of Domestic Violence

Written by Em Foster for her blog, Proud Lincoln Mama.

You can follow her on Facebook & Instagram!

Warning: distressing images depicting injuries.

I’m writing this blog to raise awareness about domestic violence, I want to reach out to the victims to let them know that things to do get better… have faith, I know it’s hard but try stay strong… you are not alone, there is support out there.

My birth mum has a lot of blame for the way my life turned out… the reason why I choose bad eggs to be in a relationship with. My first proper relationship was when I was 16, he was 20, at that age I was besotted. I was with him 2 years but it wasn’t long before the emotional abuse started, he used to tell me how I was nothing without him, how he is my everything, I felt that I was so lucky to be with him because other girls would give their right arm to be with him, how I would have nobody and absolutely nothing if I ever lost him. 

And then came the controlling behaviour… he said I was ugly and a tramp, how no one would ever look at me, how I disgusted him so I wasn’t allowed to wear skirts. I made him feel sick, he told me how he was only with me because he felt sorry for me  – the list goes on. I honestly believed every single word he said to me and I tried my very best to try and keep him. I stuck with the nasty words, putting me down daily which these words later turned into violence, I stuck with the pushing shoving the odd slap, the high demands I didn’t want to do… said person is now in prison for a long time not because of me, because of selling drugs, that’s the life path he chose. Not family, not friends, not kids. Nothing. NOBODY.

The thing with me due to the life my birth mother gave me as a child meant that I was forever searching to be loved, so after a bad relationship ended I felt I needed to find better to prove a point to my ex to prove I am worthy, so that would mean going to his friends… someone they thought highly of. If their friends wanted to be with me I can’t be that bad surely? I also went for a bad boy, someone harder, someone bigger and better thinking that was the answer… over the years I’ve had relationships with ‘bad boys’ which resulted in domestic abuse… all started emotionally, got controlling, then violent and sometimes sexually abusive.

When I first met them they would tell me sweet nothings, how they’ll never treat me like my ex did, how my ex’s were idiots to do that to me, how they would even beat my ex’s up for what they did to me. At the time I loved all this – I felt safe, this guy was going to be the one to look after me. I never realised it was just words to reel me in. I never realised that telling my new partners about my abuse would result in giving them ammunition and a easy gateway for them to do it me as well.

Each different relationship I had I found the abuse got worse, hearing the same ‘you’re nothing without me’ lines, how ugly I was, one of my ex’s used to sit opposite me and list everything that was ugly about me, how I had a big nose, big eyes, I was pale, too skinny etc I used to just take it all in and cry in front of him which then made him tell me how pathetic I was. Yet most of my ex’s have always excused me of cheating, looking at someone else, how I was a slag and a slut, I was so ugly but I was apparently out cheating with other men. It’s a complete head wreck.

One of my ex’s used to walk me to work meet me on dinner breaks and collect me from work, so I didn’t cop off with someone else, there was one time when an ex kicked off at a customer in my work place (I was working in a shop behind the till) all because a elderly man brought me grapes I was apparently sleeping with him. I lost my job because of that but looking back now that was obviously his aim then I would be at home and he would and did have full control over me… that was when the abuse escalated to violence.

All the abusive men I had a relationship with wanted to have a baby, I find the ‘baby’ word gets thrown around quite a lot in abusive relationships whether it is because they think a baby will make the relationship better or more likely, the reason is a way to trap you and tie you to them forever. Luckily I never had children with abusers, don’t get me wrong at the time of it was going to make them happy I was all for it but deep down inside something told me don’t do it, why would would you want to bring a child in to violence, someone who drinks/takes drugs all the time, someone who’s a criminal, someone who probably won’t be in that child’s life because they’ll be spending it in prison. As I had a horrific childhood I knew deep down if I ever brought a child in to the world he/she would have everything I never had. That meant a normal stable father. In a weird way I’m glad I had a horrific childhood for this reason.

One thing I did find was that cuts, bruises, scars eventually fades, however emotional abuse lasts forever, I sit here now and I can remember every time I was told I was worthless, I was a mess, how my life isn’t worth living without them, the times I’ve been told if I wasn’t with them I might as well end my life.

Now quite a few years on I’m sat here looking back with a smirk on my face.

I’m sat here in my own beautiful home, with a loving partner and a beautiful son. I have a family. I am happy. I am proud. I am confident. I am strong.

I look back at my ex partners lives… they are either in prison, have a dependency on drug or alcohol or both, how they are nothing, how crap their lives are. I laugh because I generally did believe their abuse at the time. Their abuse ground me down, there was times when I tried to take my own life because of the abuse, I unfortunately have bad scarring to remind me of that, there was times I too relied on drugs and alcohol to deal with it, to try forget.

I’ve made mistakes in my time but I’ve always been loyal to my partners. I was like a lap dog doing as I’m told, running round after them, nothing I did was ever right, but look at me now! I never ever thought I would be happy again, never thought I would feel confident again, never thought anyone could love and have a family with some one as pathetic as me, never thought I would actually be treated like a human, I never believed non-domestic violence relationships existed, never felt free, don’t get me wrong the abuse does leave hidden scars, I’ll ask my partner if I’m allowed to do things or go out and he replies ‘yeah, why would you ask, do what you want’ but I can’t help it! I will always be like that. He does understand that now.

I want to shout out to all the people who are in this situation or have managed to get out, you probably won’t think this right now but in a few years time you too will look back like me and think what the hell was I doing. You are beautiful, you are worthy, you are strong, you are a million times better than that person who gave/gives you abuse, you will find someone better, you will have a life without them a much better one. Get help, talk about it, Woman’s Aid is all about confidentiality, just talking to someone telling someone even over the phone, you can go on the webpage, they have a hide page option so no one will ever know, and  it will give you a massive release. Believe in yourself. You can do this. Speak out.

Giving hope and inspiration to all the amazing women/men out there that life does get better stand tall, be proud, stay strong, you are not alone.

Words spoken from the heart of this ugly, trampy, pathetic, worthless, big nosed, slag, that would never ever have a life without an abuser…

Yeah that’s me… but look at me now!

You can visit the National Domestic Violence Helpline website here.