I'm So Sorry...

Hellooo equally tired Mummies and Daddies,

I’m so sorry this isn’t the usual upbeat, helpful blog that I am always fond of always doing. I may not even press publish, I just need to write this out so it’s out of my head. This is for my husband.

Clarke,

I’m so sorry.

I’m so sorry I am not the person you met 3 or 4 years ago. The woman who laughed at everything, did everything and was everything.

I’m still there, somewhere, hiding beneath all these feelings. I am still the one who played Halo until 5am with you.

I’m so sorry i’m constantly angry at you. Shouting and screaming for you to help me because I feel like you do nothing.

When actually… you do. You’re the one who sits there every night listening to me whinge and most times cry about my day. The one who is working two jobs so I don’t need to go back to work.

I’m so sorry I don’t take better care of us. Somedays your home is a mess. I never cook your dinner ready for you or i’m too tired to have your work clothes washed and ready.

Be gentle. I’ll get there at some point of the week, i’m trying.

I’m so sorry I don’t take better care of myself. Physically I don’t always want to go to the gym. Mentally I don’t know what to do on the best of days.

I sit and punish myself ‘why can’t I just loose weight without even bothering? I breastfeed? So where is this miracle tummy I was promised?’. I feel so unattractive but no energy to change that.

I’m so sorry I don’t tell you how much I love you. I’m always so tired. No, that isn’t an excuse. I also do genuinely forget to kiss you.

I’m covered in sick, I have dirty hands from doing the bins and also grease from the pans we used two nights before.

I’m so sorry I pester you to do more. I don’t mean to come across mean or ungrateful. Sometimes I just wish you’d listen harder.

Don’t use ‘she’s hungry’ all the time just because you want to do you time. But what about me time. I haven’t had a warm bath on my own since before she was born.

I’m so sorry I don’t want to do anything, in that way.. Anymore.

Honestly, would you with a baby latched 24/7? Smelling of baby poop and whatever your daughter threw at me for her dinner? Would you?

I so sorry i’m not perfect.. The nice slim size 10 you once knew. Now a size 14, 5ft 9 and a handmade mummy tummy.

I may not be who I was, but I am learning to love me. The me who isn’t the ‘me’ i’m used to. But then again, deep down I know you already do.

I love being a mummy, wife, sister and friend to everyone. I love taking care of people and I know sometimes I forget to include you but you’re always there looking after me in the background. I don’t actually give you enough credit that you deserve.

I love you. I will always love you. You’re the father to our gorgeous girl, my partner in crime… My best friend.

I think a lot of women can agree with me when I say we are thankful for our partners but sometimes it’s easy to forget to ask how your day was. Especially when your partner first comes in from work and you’ve tided 500 times, cooked and done a pretty good job of keeping yourself sane. So we’re equally pooped.

From now on:

-Through all the exhaustion. I will make time for you. WE will make time for each other. By either letting someone baby sit or putting our baby down early, just so I can kick your bum on Xbox once more.

– Please help me when I really need it. If you see me struggling or you can physically see me exhausted beyond recognition. Just offer to have our baby whilst I sit and sort myself out upstairs, do a blog in peace or just have a nap for an hour.

– I do promise I will just simply ask how your day was. Come to me and give me a peck on the cheek. I do honestly just simply forget. I’ll do my best to remember more. Baby brain is my worst enemy.

– Don’t mirror me when i’ve had a bad day mixed with no sleep. If we’re both angry, we go to bed angry and it’s just pointless.

If it’s tired related, play with Phoebe on the floor.
If i’m sore, offer to run me a bath.
If I need you, hug me and never let me go.

– I will make every effort to be intimate with you again. Finding clothes I feel comfortable in with my new body, so I am comfortable with myself.

– Remind me of my good work and I will in return do just that. We need to empower each other to get through this. Parenting isn’t easy for anyone, hold my hand and we can do this together.

I will do all of this and more for you too. We’re a fantastic power couple! Let’s go back to learning about one another like we did when we first met, as after all we’re new parents.

TEAM MUMMY AND DADDY!

But most of all, thank you. I love you with every fibre of my being. I’m so sorry it has only taken me until now, writing this, to realise all of this.