How Losing My Mum Will Make Me A Better Mum

Through my life journey, something entirely out of hands, I was forced at a young age to become resilient, mature and strong willed in the face of sadness and heartbreak. Without my mum, my rock and pillar of strength I would have been weak and allowed this to destroy my strength and my future. Sadly, it can take such paths in life to develop character alongside skills to cope and live life to the fullest.

People always say I’m strong but I’m not really, I’m just doing what my mum taught me and what I’ve had to do.

My mum discovered she had secondary cancer when I was 14 years old and after a biopsy operation discovered she had 3-6 months to live. Despite this terrifying prognosis, my mum lived over 3 years and made quality, irreplaceable memories with her family. I feel as though I have told this story so many times to so many people, however it is always the facts- not the impact my mum as well as her passing has had on my life.

Throughout her 3 years facing this terrifying illness my mum never once complained, she never asked why and she never sought, nor wanted, sympathy. She was strong, thoughtful and inspirational throughout. My mum made sure to instill such qualities in myself and my sister, always reminding us to live for the moment and never dwell on the situation we had been given. Obviously I am only human and at times I could scream and go physically crazy to think ill never see my mum again, she’ll never meet my son, she’ll never see mine and my sisters achievements and I’ll never hear her voice again. I feel proud of my sister achievements but feel hollow that my mum can’t be there to smile and laugh with us. Archie does something new or has a rash and the only persons advice I want is the only persons I’ll never get.

I wish that when I feel like a failure or the worlds worst parent she could have been there to reassure me instead of Google. When I worry even though it’s “nothing to worry about” I wish she was here to offer a shoulder to cry on. As a mother you have the constant fear – fear of your child getting another bump on the head, a graze on the knee, having their heart broken or having a temperature. But it is incomprehensible to imagine the fear my mum felt knowing she was leaving her two daughters behind. She always said she wasn’t sad for herself only for us and now I can barely imagine what she went through contemplating how we would cope without her. I hope and pray every night that I will see my son grow and be by his side through good times and bad.

Although people try, nobody understands you like your mum. Most of all I wish I could tell her how much I respect and admire her and how she is my inspiration everyday to smile. I wish I could tell her that she was the best mum in the world and she taught me more than she could ever know

However, my mums attitude to life is with me each and everyday. In my heart she reminds me every day not to sweat the small stuff. To be laid back and enjoy each and every moment of every single day. I realise it is essential to embrace every filthy handprint, every carpet stain, every ruined T-shirt and sticky floor as I am blessed enough to have my son and for him to have me.

As a mother myself, I can now comprehend the love my mum felt for me throughout my life. I can view her death from a new perspective, from her perspective and that truly breaks my heart. To think of a mother facing the prospect of having to leave her children. To know they will have to face such heartbreak and torment without you there to dry the tears and offer a comforting, loving cuddle only a mother can provide. To know they will face hurdle after hurdle throughout their lives and to never know how they will cope. I can only imagine the heartbreak my mum felt when faced with such a cruel path but she embraced every inch of it. Her illness didn’t take any of her personality, any of her spirit or any of her strength. She lit up a room and gave such positive energy where ever she went.

For her, I will always try to do the same. I will be the most loving, understanding, “cool” mum I can- just like her and foremost I will keep her in the forefront of my mind. She will always advise me and always remain in my heart. I have never understood her more or felt closer to her than I do now, mother to mother. Most of all I wish Archie had one more person to watch him grow and to love him unconditionally, although I know she is watching from heaven.

I will always follow my mums rules:

     Always sing and dance in the kitchen (-with a whisk/spatulas as microphone where possible)

     Laugh, wherever you are and whoever you are with always keep laughing! 

     Just go with the flow – don’t sweat the small stuff! 

     Be strong  – “Life’s tough, but my darling, so are you”