I can see why everyone talks about “baby brain” now that I am living it.

I’m not convinced it’s just because the brain shrinks during pregnancy but also because the blood drains from all organs every five seconds after your child does something else that makes your heart stop. It has no time to recover. One minute they’re sticking their legs through the banister to reach an uninterested cat, other times they’re running confidently hands out towards the oven with sheer determination gleaming in their mischievous little eyes.

Last night I’d sloped to bed exhausted from a full day of chasing a monkey around a park and when my head hit the pillow I was out like a light. I must have entered a deep and wonderful sleep and the next thing I knew I could hear River crying. I dragged myself out of bed unaware of the time, who I was or what this crying sound meant. I managed to piece some of it together and hobbled into his pitch black room and started to cross towards his cot.

Only… his cries weren’t coming from inside the cot. They were coming from right in front of me. And they were at my ear level, not knee level where I would expect a baby in a cot to be crying. I gingerly put my hand out and felt around and came into contact with a person. A much taller than one year old person. I jumped about two feet in the air and exclaimed* (*squealed) “Jesus Christ” as I ran towards the door not quite sure if I was fearing for my life or not.

My first thoughts were that my child had some how grown four times his size and learned how to jump the side of the cot. It was the only explanation, nothing else at that time made any sense to me. How was I going to explain this?! “Hi, is that the Health Visitor? Yeah River’s fine but just a quick one, do babies tend to have a growth spurt at 12 months? They do?! Great! Is it usually about a four feet spurt? *Line dies* Hello??” I ran to get Frankie. Back up to witness The Hulk’s transformation a la “Honey I Blew Up The Kid” but then I heard her voice, slightly afraid of me asking “are you okay?” from the same spot that I’d left Rubeus Hagrid.

Relief flooded over me, it was her, she’d got up to see to him and apparently we’d even had a conversation about whether I wanted her to get up or not. I’d sent her on a wild goose chase of making up a drink for him only to get up anyway. I had absolutely no memory of it. My heart thudded through my ears and I eventually saw the funny side.

Note to self; buy a night light.