DILF's Day Off!

DILFs day off!

As a dad, a day off means you do twice as much as the days you actually go to work. Why? Because the wife has done Monday to Saturday and Sunday is your time to shine baby… aww yeah!

– Wake up after a solid 8 hours sleep. Granted these 8 hours have been spread over 3 days but you still got 8 hours this week. If you moan about it, expect a swift kick to the helmet!

– Every fancied being a hostage negotiator, pilot or magician? Well feeding a child breakfast falls somewhere between all three. You use a combination of YouTube, misdirection, distraction and aeroplane noises, to insert mush into an unwilling patron. Their only real concern is Peppa Pig and not the macronutrients that just got launched at the cat.

– The wife heads off to the gym. These 50 min workouts are more frantic than Joe Wicks at a rave. She will say she just wants to go for a quick session but in reality she really doesn’t trust you being alone with your own daughter. From conception to now, you have been winging it…and nothing scares a woman more than her child being left with an adult boy / husband / court jester / man idiot.

– My breakfast during the week is always high in protein, complex carbs and quality nutrition. At the weekend it looks like a child has been given £50 and free reign at the cinema pick and mix. Toast, Wagon Wheel, Haribo and a pint of Coke? Sounds great! Eat it standing up while trying to wipe down a human octopus who thinks the wipes are made of sandpaper? Awesome!

– Wife returns! As I try to hand the baby over like a hot potato after being on daddy duty for almost 90 minutes, she skilfully ducks and dives her way upstairs and into the shower with nothing more than a simple glance to make sure our child is still alive. She says she goes to the gym to feel better but now she’s like a semi professional Ninja warrior! Daddy duty resumes!

– Next stop, swim lessons! Sunday afternoon wouldn’t be complete without dunking your daughter for an hour in water while trying to hide the tears of how much it costs. “Are you crying sir?”…”No, it’s just the chlorine I swear!”

– The rest of the day is easy. You try to figure out what is going on with your life in between naps. You could do something productive but the minute you start, YOU KNOW your baby girl will wake up; therefore you do absolutely nothing until the wife gives in and becomes the main parent again. What a hero!