Team DILF: Being a Dad To Two Under Two

So my wife 3D printed another person from her vajayjay last night and now I have two daughters under two!
As a teenage boy I dreamed of growing up to be surrounded by women but never once thought I’d be their main provider. For those who haven’t yet had the opportunity to have kids, let me enlighten you!

1/ Contractions are like mini punches to the stomach. I’ve never been pregnant but there’s no way they can be worse than a kick to the nuts.

2/ From the moment you wade through the pregnant smokers at the hospital front doors to the time you sit at reception, you will literally judge everyone within a 50metre radius. My whole conversation at this point will be built upon “If they can do it, we can do it!”

3/ The Home From Home suite is nothing like my house. Yes it has a big bath and a tube of gas and air linked to the cupboard but there’s no YouTube on the TV or anything at all comfortable to sit on. False advertising if you ask me.

4/ Women go through an immense level of pain during labour. Men have to make some form of nutritious dinner using the worst vending machines options known to man. We all suffer.

5/ Mid wives and hospital staff are real life hero’s. They should not be working 27 hour days for a fraction of what a celeb can earn promoting detox tea on Instagram.

6/ New babies look like Mike Tyson after going 10 rounds with Mike Tyson. You think they will be gorgeous but in reality you keep saying “feck me mate, you alright?”

7/ Less than 24 hours after birth my wife has just asked if you can die from a lack of sleep. I said yes but didn’t give any real time frame. She is googling as we speak…then falls asleep.

8/ Check out time can be anywhere from hours to even more hours after birth. A hotel will kick you out at check out time. A hospital will say nah you stay in there for a few more hours. Make yourself uncomfortable on those uncomfortable seats until we decide to release you. Damn those hero’s I can’t be mad at!

9/ The most important bit is when the baby arrives and you hold them up in the air and sing the bits you know from The Lion King…”hhhhaaaiiiiii serrrrrreeeennnnnnnyyyaaa!”

Hope that clears up any confusion to the other maniacs giving birth in 2018!

Written by Neil McTeggart for his Facebook blog, Team DILF!