Coping With Being a Mum Without a Mum

Two years ago, on this exact date, my mum was to have her very last birthday. I hesitate as I write this because, until recently, her death still seemed surreal. But on March 6th it all became very real. I was sitting feeding my daughter just before her bedtime while scrolling through Facebook to see all the loving images and posts of people thanking their amazing mums and wishing them a happy Mother’s Day.

After putting my girl in her cot, I went downstairs to my husband in floods of tears. He looked baffled as I explained why I was upset. It just hit me. It only just hit me 18 months after her life ended that my mum was no longer here.

My mum and I didn’t have the best relationship but I was now without someone to ask what I did when I was a month old, three months old, when I started to crawl, when I started to walk, when I started to talk and so on. I was without that woman who brought me into this world, who fed me, nurtured me and helped me become a decent citizen. I was without that woman to call on now when I just needed someone to tell me everything would be alright and, with my baby at 3 months old, I desperately needed this at this stage. Looking back now I realise even when my mum was alive and healthy she probably wouldn’t have dished out this advice but I was now mourning the mum I wanted her to be all my life.

This moment of clarity however not only made me realise what I didn’t have but made me appreciate what I do which is some fantastic women in my life. I have an amazing sister who has two gorgeous children I love dearly. She is always on the end of the phone, or most likely a WhatsApp conversation, with me begging some question or another about how to get my girl to sleep or how much I should be feeding her. Thankfully she is also the person who will tell me everything will be ok and that it’s hard but reassuring me that I will get through it.

I also have a great mother in law and sisters in law who are so smitten with my girl and truly make me feel part of the family.

In no way did I have a terrible upbringing but there was always a void when it came to affection from my mum and now, as a mum, I am determined to make sure my daughter doesn’t feel like that. I want her to know that she is loved and, even when I am stressed and tired and needing a break, I will always be there for her.

Being a mum without a mum is hard but I am so lucky in many other ways. I am certainly not perfect and when it’s 3 in the morning and we’ve been trying for 2 hours to get my daughter back to sleep, I get very frustrated and emotional. But I know I am blessed to have the opportunity to try to be the mum I always wanted.