I may as well begin with the latest “saga” that had everyone urging me to start a blog.

Tuesday just gone, the first day back to school for the two older ones… I was joyous, excited to get back into my “normal” routine, albeit complete madness most days, I thought I had this morning *completely* nailed! Oh how wrong was I?

This is the one day a year that I take the older two to school as it’s their first day back and I work full time, all over the UK, and usually they go to breakfast/holiday club. So, it started off with the baby, Jacob, who’s 1st birthday is next week, (if he makes it that far) waking up for random feeds, 8 times this night – perfect start! I sang the alphabet song, twinkle twinkle little star, the wheels on the bloody bus and ba ba black sheep about 12 million times before finally allowing said heathen to sleep in my bed with me, again! 

My alarm goes off at approximately 6:30, to which I hit snooze, about 15 times, before resigning myself to the fact that I’d just have to be a tired, moody cow for the duration of the working day! The older two had come into my room for various things by the time I had prised open my eyelids and scraped myself out of bed, from stiff top buttons on new shirts that needing doing, to pretty navy bows (that won’t last more than a week) being shoved into hair. It wasn’t long before the eldest, Fi (10) was flapping about downstairs, muttering away to herself, throwing her weight around! So I asked her what the matter was, wrong question… she ended up having a full blown meltdown, in my kitchen, about the fact that she’d lost her new pack of frickin’ stickers, (that she didn’t even need on day one, might I add) which in turn, led to a huge argument between us about how disorganised she was.

To “get me back” she then refused to pose nicely for the annual “first day back to school” photo that I send to their dad and then post for all and sundry to see, on Facebook! No matter how many times I begged her to “Smile please Fi!” she wouldn’t, until I practically threatened her with death before she gave me the worst smile I’ve ever seen! Brilliant! 

I ran upstairs to grab the baby’s bottle and some tissue for his snotty nose, and nearly slide, arse over tit, on something on the bathroom floor – bleach! Yes, that’s right, one of my spawn has spilt BLEACH all over my bathroom floor! I could have died, literally! So I clean it up, whilst huffing and puffing about how I have to do *everything* in this house as they (the kids) treat it like a hotel, and me, like a maid! After blitzing the bathroom, I finally get downstairs, throw the baby under my arm and drag us all out and into the car. As I pop the baby into his car seat, my hand touches something wet…I hold him above my head, crank my head around, to notice he’s not only filled his nappy, but he’s done so that forcefully, that it’s blown out of all three sides and is now seeping through his clothes!

Great! Back into the house we go, the older two now huffing and puffing about the baby’s evil deed, and that his selfish antics are going to make them late…on their first day back! I changed him, into the first thing I can find, (bearing in mind that I do NOT want these kids to be late today) so the baby goes back into the car in pj’s (don’t judge me) and away we go, again! The eldest, being in a mood, puts pressure on me that she doesn’t want to be late and so I, feeling the pressure, put my foot down slightly in the lanes, then out of nowhere, a pigeon!! Safe to say, the pigeon is no more and I’m now not only the “worlds most hated” by my daughter for losing her stickers, I’m now also hated by my son, Rhys (7) – the middle one, for being a pigeon murderer!

Finally, we get to school, there’s roadworks outside the school gates, which means we’ll have to all huddle under the world’s tiniest umbrella to get there from the church car park, as it’s pouring down with rain. I get out of the car, open the boot and realise that someone (yours truly) cleaned the car the other day and removed the tiny umbrella from the boot and it is now at home in the porch! I coax the older two out of the back of the car, advising them of their new school coats – with hoods…and advise them to bloody use them!! I pull the baby from his seat and pop him under my brand new, hip and trendy, trench coat that I’m wearing for the first time that morning! I pass every perfect mother practically skipping into school under their amazingly massive, perfect umbrellas, (think of Julie Andrews from the sound of music meme – and you’re pretty much there with regards to what I was up against) and there we are, piss wet through, tired as hell, distraught from the pigeon incident, running through the rain to make it in on time!

They get in with one minute to spare, (victory) I kiss them both, wave them off and run back to the car with the insomniac, or “owl” as we like to call him. I shove him back into his car seat and run around to the other side of the car, slipping on the kerb, rugby slamming into the mud and ruining my brand new coat, by this point, I’m really not arsed anymore whether I live or die and subsequently rip the coat off my back, throw it into the foot-well and drive to the nursery to drop “the owl” off.

Peace, at last! I popped Spotify on and away I go, on my way to Leeds for the day (about 120 mile round trip), as I pull up outside the office, that I’m now in for the rest of the day, registering around 30 people for a role I need filling, I reach behind my seat to grab my work heels… are they there? Nope, they’re not! Car cleaner, i.e ME thought it was a good idea to take them out, when cleaning…so they’re sat there, in my porch, with the umbrella!

So basically, instead of the usual, “I’m so proud of you” pics and status of my older two, amazing children in their school uniforms, looking excited, ready for their first day back… I posted the following picture, with the above story (shortened) with this to finish…

So, the kids are in a mood and majorly upset due to their sticker losing, pigeon murdering mother, I’m now in a suit, with flip flops for the rest of the day and to top it all off, I look like a poodle (see pic) because of the rain! But, here they both are looking *REALLY* thrilled to be back at school! #FML #WelcomeBack #PassMeTheWine