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Mother-in-law strife seems to be all too common with new mums, it's sad to say.
There are so many different scenarios and circumstances that can arise causing familial drama with the in-laws, and we've seen so many different stories popping up on the Reddit AITA (Am I The Asshole) board. This latest one is quite sad - when one side tries to make amends and rebuild a fractured relationship, and the other side refuses to take any responsibility or engage with their efforts, it must be quite disheartening. A baby being stuck in the middle makes things even more upsetting!
A mum has taken to the AITA board on Reddit to ask if she's wrong for not leaving her baby alone with her MIL (mother-in-law) as she refuses to engage with her attempts to rebuild a bond after a stressful pregnancy. Her husband isn't on-side either and is accusing her of 'weaponising' the baby, which is making the situation even more stressful.
Read the post below...
"My mil and I have a strained relationship. There has always been some tension but it got worse around 7 months pregnant and her, my bil, and sil moved in with my husband and I for a few months while their new home was being built. I had a very emotional pregnancy and was very overwhelmed with having a full house while preparing for the arrival of our first child. My mil also was a bit overbearing with our unborn born saying she was “her baby”, wanting a full nursery at her new house and making plans to keep the baby overnight as a newborn (which we never discussed doing) A lot of tension built up between my bil and mil because I was emotional and reacted irrationally to the smallest things. After I gave birth and was myself again, I apologized to my bil and he completely understood and we’ve been great since. When I apologized to my mil she wasn’t as forgiving. She was still a bit overbearing as well, just being overall very possessive towards her. Unfortunately, for the first couple of months, our baby was very attached to me since I’m a sahm and am with her everyday. Every time anyone would hold her (mil included) she would kick and scream and cry; after a couple of times, my mil stopped interact with her. Now that our baby is older (she’s one now) she doesn’t react in that way and she’s allowed my mil to hold her without getting upset. Now my mil wants more one-on-one quality time with our baby to bond.
The issue is, my relationship with my mil has gotten worse and it is clear that she still does not like me. On numerous occasions I have apologized for how I acted while I was pregnant and have tried to reach out to hang out and mend our relationship but she has declined invitations. We have a family vacation coming up and she mentioned she hadn’t gone shopping for it yet. I invited her to go shopping with my husband and I and she replied with “I’m going to watch the baby” and then I replied “I thought you said you needed to go shopping too?” I asked her again if she wanted to come with us and she declined.
My husband wants to drop our baby off at her house while the two of us go shopping which I thought was weird because we usually all shop together. He eventually told me she specifically wants to spend time with our baby alone and she doesn’t want me there. This upset me and made me feel like she genuinely does not want a relationship with me.
I told my husband I’m not comfortable with dropping our baby off with someone who doesn’t like me, and most likely doesn’t respect me. And if she wants to spend time with our baby, I would rather us all be together. Once we mend our relationship, I’ll be more open to it.
Just to note, I have never denied her time with our baby, the three of us usually go to her house and hang out for a couple of hours whenever she asks us to. But my husband says I’m getting in the way of their relationship and am weaponizing our baby. AITA?"
Find the main thread here on Reddit.
Most of us envision a good relationship with our mother-in-law and a close bond between her and our babies - what do we do when it doesn't work out so well?
What was the general consensus?
This is quite a new post so there's no final vote yet - however, casting an eye at the comments section, it's pretty clear that the majority of readers on the side of the poster. The top comment was;
"NTA. What is it that she wants to do with the baby but feels she can’t with you there? To me, that’s concerning. Your husband sounds a bit enmeshed with his mother."
Some readers responded to this with a theory that the mother-in-law wanted to take the baby to have her ears pierced, which is sadly a common squabble we've seen on Reddit. Others suggested that she may be planning to have the baby baptised in a different denomination than her daughter-in-law worships, if there's a religious element to the story.
Another comment added; "Plus "Weaponizing the baby"?? Bet we all know where hubby picked this shit up... MIL = crazy. Stay clear. Hubby = no spine. Sad. NTA, obviously."
Our verdict...
Oooft. We've seen our fair share of problem MIL stories here at Bump, Baby & You, but this definitely ranks up there in terms of awkwardness and weirdness. It's not unreasonable for the MIL to want to spend time with her granddaughter to bond but we absolutely cannot blame the poster for feeling uncomfortable with this given her MIL's clear dislike of her and refusal to engage with offers of spending time together. Would YOU leave your baby alone with someone who actively behaves negatively towards you? It's fair to say that most readers would say absolutely not, no matter who it is. We're also quite sad that her husband isn't being supportive or helping to bring the two women together - she's clearly open to mending the fractured relationship and wants to do this before bringing alone time baby into the equation, but no one is helping to facilitate that or calling the MIL out on her stubborn pride.
It's also concerning to us that the poster felt that SHE had to apologise for being overwhelmed and hormonal during her pregnancy where her home space and privacy was being encroached upon; this was the root cause of the strife with her MIL, but why isn't the MIL offering apologies in return? Again, stubborn pride is the issue, we think.
We understand that the living situation likely could not be helped, with there being little context as to why she had to move in with her son and his pregnant wife, but surely as a woman and a mother herself she of all people should understand the stress and aggravation it could cause anyone, let alone someone close to giving birth who cannot be fully relaxed in their own home environment at such a vulnerable time? We vote NTA (Not The Asshole) and think that the poster needs to stop apologising, and be more assertive.
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