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What would you do if your child was asked to take on a role for a wedding, but you know from experience that they won't cope?
These days, giving children autonomy and considering their mental wellbeing is thankfully a much more mainstream concept than it was in previous generations! Also, who really wants to be dealing with a distressed and overwhelmed child who was forced into taking part in an event just to save face? Of course, there's a grey area here - what about children who would actually cope fine, but don't want to go because they want to play football, or on their Xbox? Well, we think that the child in this post is certainly not in that category.
A mum has taken to the Reddit AITA (Am I The Asshole) board to ask if she's unreasonable for refusing to allow her child to be a flower girl for her brother, due to her distressing experience of being a flower girl at a previous wedding. She is looking out for the best interests of her little girl and being respectful by not giving her child expectations that as a mother, she knows her child will struggle with, but the reactions of the bride and groom were less than understanding...
Read the post below...
"My daughter (5) is honestly a gorgeous child. She is so pretty that one of her Montessori teachers asked me if my daughter could be her flower girl and after talking it over with my daughter I agreed. A bad idea my daughter did not like her dress and did not like flashy photographs, while she did do the walk perfectly she broke down right after and I had to take her home.
Now my brother is getting married and they have asked my daughter to be at the wedding as a flower girl. When I asked my daughter she flatly refused. The previous wedding happened a couple of months ago so she still remembers it. While I did try to convince her she ultimately is her own person and dealing with a grumpy and screaming toddler is not my cup of tea.
When I told my brother this he and his fiancé lost it. She accused me of being jealous of her wedding (I had a courthouse wedding) and that I was rising my daughter to be a selfish person who doesn’t care about her family and welcoming new members. She said that if I don’t let her have my daughter as a flower girl, all future children that they have will not ever meet her. Which my brother fully supports.
My family is telling me to just go with it and that she won’t even remember when she is older but she will blame me for breaking a bond with her future cousins. But my husband said do you really want them to be around our daughter if they act like this over a small thing.
AITA?
Edit. The reason I said that she is very beautiful is to give context because there are other children in the family. And the Teacher asked because for one she was the only one to help my daughter interact with the other kids (we don’t live in the west so it's very common for parents to develop close bonds with the teachers.) My daughter and her a very close (they have an aunt and a nice relationship) and my daughter "helped" her plan the wedding.
My brother knows what happened at the last wedding.
And no I don’t only care about my daughter's looks and I thought it was an important backstory I have very bad English as I don’t speak it that often and download Grammarly just for this."
Find the main thread here on Reddit.
A happy, smiling flower girl who is enjoying the experience, just as all flower girls should!
What was the general consensus?
Mum was voted NTA (Not The Asshole), with the readers in Reddit expressing their frustration and anger for the poster. However, many did question why the looks of this little girl seem to be such a prominent feature; many did point out that 'cherubic' children are often favoured for certain roles at weddings, but that this poor child is being set up to feel that her value is in her appearance and 'duty' and not in her feelings. In the comments, the poster added that the couple have threatened to never allow their future children to meet the poster or her daughter if she's not forced to be the flower girl - a well rated response to this pointed out;
"This person does not sound stable and it's better you daughter not be a flower girl. She speaks like your daughter is just an inanimate decoration piece. If she refuses to "perform", she will be accused of "ruining" the wedding. All the family suggesting you basically force her to do this are assholes, as well as your brother and SIL."
The top rated comment was; "NTA. She has said no, her answer is no. Teaching her now that she has the power to say no to anything (even when people get sad or angry about it) is an invaluable lesson.
And your husband has an extremely valid point. If they are going to act like this because your daughter refuses to do this do you really want them to be an influence on her later?"
Our verdict...
The experience of being a flower girl should be exciting, something full of positive emotions and a treasured memory for a child. Clearly, in this situation, it would be the opposite - the lack of empathy shown to this poor child by the family devastates us.
The whole post definitely made us feel very uncomfortable. Like the readers of Reddit correctly pointed out, this little girl is a human being, not a decorative piece or a trophy to brandish at the wedding. Her coping levels and mental health are more important than donning a pretty dress and throwing petals at a wedding - we also think that it's rather distasteful for her teacher to have asked for her to take on the role previously based on looks, but then we spotted the edit stating that the teacher is close with their family, so perhaps aesthetics weren't the only reason!
We think that the poster is absolutely blameless here - she's just looking out for her child. There seems to be no ulterior motives, and the reaction of the family is beyond disproportionate. We could understand disappointment, and perhaps a gentle discussion to try to reassure the unwilling flower girl, but the reaction given would make us see red flags and cut ties because it's incredibly toxic.
You'd expect family to want your child to be happy and healthy, and not want to force them into an experience that would cause distress! Surely they'd want their young relative to actually enjoy the experience and make a lasting cherished memory, which she wouldn't be able to do in a role where she wasn't comfortable. Family weddings always seem to bring out the worst in people so we can only hope that things settle down in the aftermath. This has been taken too personally by the bride and groom, quite clearly! Or, like many of us have experienced from non-parents, they simply don't believe the reasons given and think that the child is being a 'brat' - one day they'll understand, if they ever have kids!
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