AITA: Won't Attend Baby Shower After Miscarriage

Most decent people would understand why someone would not want to attend a baby shower after losing their own baby, right?

However, it never fails to surprise us when we read horror stories of friends and relatives who are completely self-absorbed and lacking in any modicum of empathy on this topic. It happens far more often than we ever anticipated - are we perhaps a little naive, sheltered even, as we've been fortunate to have extremely supportive friends and relatives? Maybe.

One bereaved daddy has taken to the Reddit AITA (Am I The Asshole) board to ask if he's in the wrong for refusing (along with his wife) to attend the baby shower and gender reveal party of a relative (combined into one) after their heart breaking miscarriage. He was taken aback by the reaction of the host, and the hostility he's faced from relatives as a result.

Read the post below...

"I (27m) and my wife Brooke (26f) lost our baby via miscarriage last month. She wasn’t very far along, but it still hurt both of us very hard, Brooke especially. Even if we never got to meet them, they were still our child that we loved very much. We told our respective close families personally, and made a social media announcement for our extended families. My pregnant cousin Sarah (25f) and her boyfriend Jake found out via the social media announcement.

Last week, Sarah texted me to ask if I would be ok to attend her baby shower/ gender reveal party. I said no, that my wife and I were still grieving our lost child, and that it would be too upsetting. She said that she understood why Brooke couldn’t come, but that I wasn’t even the one who was pregnant, and that she wishes I would be there to support her. I firmly told her no again, and blocked her.

Later that day, I saw on social media that she posted about how “a new baby in the family mean that we all have to put aside our personal problems and come together.” In the comments she was complaining to people that I wouldn’t be at her party.

The party came and went, since then, I’ve been getting passive-aggressive texts from family about how they wished I would’ve been there for Sarah. I’ve been brushing them off, but now I’m wondering if I’m really in the wrong."

Find the main thread here on Reddit.

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What was the general consensus?

The poster was voted to be NTA (Not The Asshole), unsurprisingly. The readers of Reddit pointed out the extreme sexism in suggesting that an expectant dad should be less upset at a miscarriage than the expectant mother, as well as pointing out the huge insensitivity of 'Sarah' and his family. The top comment said;

"NTA. Minimizing your feelings by pointing out that you weren't the one who was pregnant was really out of line. Miscarriage can hit both parents very hard. Sorry for your loss, OP."

Our favourite comment really hit the nail on the head;

"Is she in need of an organ donation, in the hospital and you're the only kidney match? Is she alone in the world and needs your support, in particular, otherwise she's destitute? I am appalled at how selfish your cousin is. She asked, you gave your answer, she doesn't get to publicly berate you and send some flying monkeys your way because she didn't get the answer she wanted and to demean your mourning. Let me guess: she is spoiled, the "Golden Child", and wants everything to be all about her, and has a difficult time empathizing with others. Tell me if I'm getting warm...."

To this, the poster replied agreeing - his cousin has a history of disregarding the feelings of others and was very spoiled growing up, which really comes as no surprise.

Our verdict?

Dads experience heartbreak from baby loss too, we're devastated that the poster has faced such a horrible attitude from people who are supposed to love and support him. The passive aggressive messages and posts on social media would honestly tip us over the edge, and whilst many people really don't like confrontation (sometimes it is not helpful), we would honestly condone the poster calling his family out about this openly and honestly. Sometimes, people don't realise how badly their behaviour is impacting upon a person until they're forced to look in the mirror. Failing that, blood isn't always thicker and water... We do not 'have' to be involved with people just because we are blood related, and if they're so inconsiderate of your thoughts and feelings, selfish to boot, do they need to be in your life? Absolutely not.

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