AITA: Refused To Tell Husband The Gender

Finding out the gender of your unborn baby, if you choose to do so, is such a special moment.

If you're co-parenting, whether as a couple or apart, usually it's customary for both parents to know (unless one parent specifically chooses to be surprised). Should this snippet of coveted information be used as a weapon against the other parent if they do something we're unhappy about? Well, one expectant mother has asked just that over on the Reddit AITA (Am I The Asshole) board...

Read the full post below...

"My husband & I are expecting. This is our first baby and we're excited. Thing is he barely attends any dr appointments with me and his excuses aren't even valid. He's willing to miss the dr appointment over soccer or a drink or board game with friends. His response is always "I'm not the one carrying the baby, why do I have to go see the dr with you?".

Last week was my final straw. He was supposed to come with me for the baby's gender reveal appointment but he chose to not come last minute because his friend invited him to fish 'n' chips meal. I was pretty livid but didn't make a fuss about it. Mom went with me instead.

He texted asking me to tell him the results (boy or girl) but I refused to tell him. He kept spam calling me but I hung up each time. He came home fuming demanding I tell him the results but I refused and bluntly told him, since he refused to attend the appointment then he gets no results til after the baby's born and said I was wiling to die on this hill. He went off calling me spiteful and immature for doing this and punishing him. He said he's the father and has the right to know. He then called me dramatic since I wasn't alone and mom was with me. I said he gets no results period.

He's been fuming about it and told his family and they're now pressuring me to stop playing mind games with him and tell him but I declined.

AITA?

EDIT/UPDATE: Hi, so, first of all, wow!!! I did not expect this to blow up. Sorry, can't answer any comments because of feeling overwhelmed...um I just wanted to mention that my husband just attempted to contact my dr to get the results. It didn't go well and we had another argument over it. He couldn't get it since his mom was the one who made the call."

Find the original post here on Reddit.

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What was the general consensus?

Over 41,000 voters deemed that the expectant mother is NOT the asshole (NTA) - with the term 'deadbeat dead' a common theme on the comments board.

Many comments shared their own experiences of similar woes, with some pointing out that usually, withholding information and excluding the other parent would be cruel and unacceptable, but the actions of the man in question show his lack of support or interest in his partner or child. The top rated comment was;

"NTA. Already a deadbeat dad before the baby is even born."

Our favourite comment was...

"This. To be clear, this is NOT a gender reveal appointment - it is a full anatomical scan in which they check every organ and limb for potential issues, and as a side note, can also often tell you which genitals baby will have. So partner is not just skipping a ‘gender reveal’, but leaving their pregnant partner to attend a lengthy appointment on their own during which they could possibly receive concerning information about the development of their baby - if there are issues, it’s often during this scan that they are discovered. Partner is incredibly selfish, and showing their true colours. Absolutely NTA."

Our verdict...

Usually, we'd not be particularly supportive of someone using information about their baby as a 'weapon' against the other parent - the times we've read about it previously have all had rather petty and tedious reasoning behind them. However, this poor mummy-to-be is very clearly not being supported at all by her husband, who clearly has poor priorities and sees the journey into parenthood as 'woman's work' - the misogny is just unbearable. So, we can absolutely see why mummy is refusing to share the gender of the baby, but we'd strongly advise that they have some long and difficult discussions here as the relationship portrayed by the poster doesn't seem to bode well. It doesn't seem particularly healthy, which is unfair on the new baby soon to be landing in the middle of this situation!

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