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The delegation of parenting duties is often the root of strife in relationships - we see it all the time in our online community.
When one parent is working full time and the other is on maternity leave after giving birth, it's often assumed that the parent on leave will be responsible for all of the parenting. It's safe to say that this can be exhausting and challenging for someone after labour and birth, with a new born who doesn't know the difference between night and day! We imagine so many of you will be reading this nodding in agreement.
However the duties are delegated between parents, what works for one family might not work for another, but it is absolutely fair to say that no matter what, it should be a mutual agreement and discussion. One new dad has taken to the Reddit AITA (Am I The Asshole) board to ask if he was unreasonable to disagree with his wife about sharing night feeds and wakings when he's in work early the next morning, as she is on maternity leave.
Read the full post below...
"Need genuine guidance, because I am struggling to see the opposite point of view in this situation.
My wife and I have a 3 month old baby. We both work full time jobs, however my wife gets 6 months of paid maternity leave and is home full time for now. I received 6 weeks parental leave, but have been back in the office full time. I am a VP Manager with several direct reports that I manage, and it is a high-stress job that thankfully pays well.
When we were both on leave from work, I happily got up in the middle of the night to care for our child. I would make bottles in the middle of the night, do feedings, change diapers, rock back to sleep, the works. Really i wished it had lasted longer and miss the bonding time I had with my daughter. I had a tough time transitioning back to work, and miss her and my wife during the day, but reality is I have to work. Typical work week is 50 hours on average, and I get to do 2 days from home. Commute is a half hour one way.
The issue: My wife and I are at an impasse with who should wake up with the baby on nights I have to go into the office. It’s extremely hard for me to wake up at 5:45 in the morning to be on time for work, when my wife wants me to wake up around 3/4am to feed the baby. My argument is, she is home full time for now and I offered to wake up during the nights I get to work from home since I don’t have to wake up super early and commute. It all came to a head last night when she tried waking me up, and I was extremely groggy and she started screaming at me calling me a selfish asshole, then slammed our bedroom door on the way out. I felt extreme guilt and couldnt go back to sleep so just ended up staying awake. After getting home from work, we got into argument over responsibilities and she said it was unfair of me To assume she would wake up with the baby on nights I have to work and that we should be equally splitting having to wake up. I pointed out that her mom helps out regularly and took our baby for 5 hours while she did chores around the house. She easily could have factored in a nap and I wouldn’t have judged! I just think it’s a little ridiculous but maybe I’m blinded by my own bias…
Once she goes back to work, I’m fully prepared to start splitting this responsibility equally again. I just can’t fathom why I’m expected to wake up when I’m working full time and my wife is not. Also understand raising a child is hard work, and as soon as I get home I make it a point to take over baby duty to give my wife some “her” time, cook dinner some night, etc. AITA and completely missing something here?
Edit to clarify a few points
The nights I don’t work and weekends are MY days. I take them happily.
My wife has help during the day since her mom comes over to babysit.
Our baby wakes up twice during the night, so it’s not a “wife only getting 1 hour of sleep per night” situation"
Find the original post here on Reddit.
What was the general consensus?
The poster was voted NTA - not the asshole. The comments section was a flurry of supportive and helpful comments, which was great to read, with thousands of people showing empathy for both mum and dad in this situation but overall conceding that dad isn't in the wrong for wanting night care of their baby to be delegated to mum on certain nights.
The top comment was; "NTA When I had my twins and my husband went back to work, I made sure that I was the one that took the night shifts so he could be well rested for work. It’s not like taking care of a new born is that difficult at night, change/feed/burp then back to sleep. Why disturb husbands sleep unless there was a situation where I needed the hands. It sounds like you are an active parent and doing your part, while also financially providing. It also sounds like when she goes back to work you are willing to make the effort so that both of you are well rested. One baby needs one parent at night, no need for both to lose sleep. I feel like a lot of people commenting haven’t been a parent. You and your wife will find your happy place, it just takes time and work. Be open, vulnerable and communicate. Maybe something else is going on with your wife that is deeper than the night help. Good luck!"
The poster then added an important update after having a discussion with his wife.
"Update
My wife and I had a very long conversation tonight, and I want to express my gratitude to everyone in this thread who provided valuable suggestions, effective strategies, and candid opinions that helped me widen my perspective and gain new insights. Even the brutal reality checks served a purpose. I factored in every talking point and apologized for making my wife feel like her role wasn’t truly “work”, but also gently prodding into a deeper root cause that may be causing her to feel this way.
In short, she broke down and cried. After holding her and letting her cry into my shoulder for awhile, I asked her if she was experiencing symptoms of Post Partum Depression that she wanted to talk about or share with me. She replied yes, and that she had been contemplating hurting herself. It absolutely broke me, and we made a plan to get her help.
Thanks to everyone who offered true, genuine advice. You may have saved a life."
Our verdict...
It was a pleasure to read the responses of the dad, who is clearly a very thoughtful and conscientious person, and full of worry for his wife and their relationship. We don't think there's any asshole in this situation - just an exhausted couple with a new baby who are going through the motions and getting into a new routine. All it took was a conversation to unpick the frustrations and logistical challenges on both sides and create a situation of teamwork and compromise.
We're also really glad that mum has admitted that she's struggling too, as getting the right support for possible PPD will be really helpful - her feelings of being unsupportive and of being the 'default' parent won't be helping with her mental health either so it was a very important conversation.
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