AITA: MIL Smoking Around Premature Baby

Smoking around babies is not ok, that is a universally accepted fact; medically, morally, and scientifically.

In particular, exposure to tobacco smoke can be even more detrimental to premature babies. It's even advised to not be around a term baby wearing clothes that have been smoked in as the faint contamination can be problematic, so it's even more concerning when the infant involved is premature, with increased vulnerability.

One new mum has taken to the Reddit AITA (Am I The Asshole) board to ask if she's in the wrong for telling her mother-in-law (you'll see us use the abbreviation 'MIL') that she can't be around their premature newborn wearing clothes that have been smoked in, or smoke around the baby. The reaction of the MIL in question has the poster asking for feedback on Reddit.

Read the post below...

"So we have told my MIL she cannot smoke around/wear her smoked in clothes around our preemie baby. She says that we don’t welcome her in our house even though we’ve assured her if she changes her clothing and washes her hands she is welcome to hold the baby. Mind you, she’s welcome in the home regardless if she changes/washes, we just don’t approve of her holding the preemie. We recently invited her to attend our two year olds bday party and she said, not if I’m unwelcome. We reiterated she’s always welcome, but she has to change her clothes and wash her hands in order to hold the preemie. She now refuses to come. AITA?"

Find the main thread here on Reddit.

What was the general consensus?

It goes without saying that the poster was voted NTA (Not The Asshole) by the readers of Reddit, all of whom jumped to the defence of the new mum who is quite simply not only following wise medical advice, but also looking out for the best interests of her vulnerable new baby. The top comment put it quite simply;

"NTA. If smoking is more important to her than your child she has made her choice."

Our absolute favourite comment went into more details, and came with some fantastic suggestions...

"As someone who is probably older than your MIL:

Absolutely NTA.

Your MIL is choosing to deliberately and purposely "misunderstand" you to make herself a victim, while disregarding the fact that her actions would literally endanger your baby (not to mention your 2-year-old). There is no world in which you are required to play along with her nonsense.

You have been very clear, not only about what your rules are, but about WHY. At this point she's just being disingenuous and silly.

If anything, the next time she starts up with her ridiculous comments about "being unwelcome", I would respond with, "You know, it's funny that you say that, because we thought you'd be so excited about the new baby and seeing the kids, and have been SO SAD that smoking and/or wearing clothes covered in clinging, smelly ash seems to be more important to you than being able to cuddle your own grandbabies. I don't think [spouse's name] or I ever would have guessed that would be the case!" And just keep playing dumb every time she tries to be manipulative. She should tire of it eventually.

Either way, you are very much NTA."

Our verdict...

We don't judge those who smoke, especially those who are desperate to quit but struggling as it is an addiction, fundamentally. There are many parents in our online community who reach out for support on the matter, and strive to smoke well away from their babies when the need to smoke arises - this, in our eyes, is much more responsible and conscientous. This MIL is making it all about herself and playing the victim, which is bizarre behaviour given the serious medical history her grandchild has recently experienced!

The grandmother may be in the mindset of 'well, I smoked around my children, and they're all fine!' - after all, in past generations, it wasn't as well known that passive smoking/second hand smoke can be so dangerous to other people. However, this is called 'survivor bias' and does not mean that it is ok, as we cannot see the long-term damage being done on a molecular level. We cannot predict the future outcome of children of previous generations who were exposed to smoking, so it's all fair and well to claim that they're 'fine' because they aren't currently experiencing health issues but that's a naive and inaccurate take on the matter. When the premature birth of the baby in this scenario is taken into consideration, it becomes even more frustrating because this is fundamentally medical advice that dear old 'granny' is kicking off about, for the sake of the health of her flesh and blood!

Our verdict is that this grandmother is a very selfish person who quite frankly doesn't deserve a relationship with this precious baby if she is playing the martyr when being asked to adhere to one very basic rule - smoke away from the baby and wear fresh clothing.