AITA: Husband Doesn't Prioritise Time With Baby

Isn't it so enjoyable to take a night off every now and then to let your hair down and not be 'just a parent'?

As parents, we're sure you'd be lying if you said you didn't treasure those stolen moments of bliss where you can be an adult, catch up with friends, and do things that you can't do with children in tow - that said, it's also TOTALLY normal to miss your kids on a night out. It doesn't mean that you don't utterly adore parenthood and love your children to the moon and back. However, most reasonable and responsible parents, no matter how much they enjoy getting out of the house and socialising, always put their children and time with them at the top of their list of priorities.

One exhausted mum took to the Reddit AITA (Am I The Asshole) board to ask if she's out of line for asking her husband to spend more time with their baby rather than at social events.

Read the full post below.

"My husband and I have an 11 months old baby. My inlaws help out with child care Mon to Thurs on most weeks because my husband does shift work in healthcare (about 3-4 eight hour shifts a week) and I work for my own company and wasn’t able to take mat leave at all. Fri to Sun I mostly take care of the baby.

My husband told me he needs personal time so he needs to golf at least once a week. He says since his parents are helping out, he should be able to go during the weekday any day and I should not have an issue with it. I agreed to once a week. He for the most part sticks to it but sometimes goes out twice.

Last week, i finally took some time for myself and met up with a friend for 4 hours in total. Hubby happens also to be golfing all afternoon and didn’t come home till the evening. That week Sunday, we had planned for a couples golf double date with our friends and decided to give the inlaws Thursday off so they can help babysit on Sunday instead. The inlaws were furious that it wasn’t discussed with them first but also that we go out too much. We ended up apologizing and promised to consult with them in the future first.

On Sunday night hubby told me he cannot watch the kid Monday morning because he had to do some paperwork and then go to work after. Then he said he was going on Wed night to watch a baseball game with his buddy and if I was ok with that. I said no problem. Then next morning, he tells me he planned golf for tomorrow during the day and that he also won’t be home for the evening because work is throwing a social dinner. He asked me if it’s alright with me. I said, “maybe it’s not such a good idea as your parents were just mad at you last week. I also feel that 3 social events in such a tight period is not appropriate. If you aren’t working and have the free time, you could spend more of it with our 11 months old baby.” I’m not saying this because I want the same freedom. I simply feel that as a new father, he should place more priority on spending time with the baby than to do 3 social events in a row.

He did not like my answer and says he can make up the time by spending some other time with the baby. He also said he should never need to justify his personal time and he’s not needed as I have help from the inlaws. And also, why am I questioning his social plans when I met with a friend last week. He said I am illogical, i make him feel guilty / anxiety and that he wouldn’t be with me if we weren’t married and had a baby. Later I told him that if he feels he has done enough dad duties, then he can go for his socials as he’s an adult who has made up his mind but he shouldn’t ask for my opinion because I would still not see it as reasonable. This was not okay with him as he wanted me to change my way of thinking fundamentally. AITA for thinking he’s taking too many liberties with his personal time?"

Read the original thread here on Reddit.

What was the general consensus?

The overall verdict was that the poster is NTA (Not The Asshole), although many comments pointed out that the poster isn't being fair to her very amenable and kind parents-in-law. One highly voted comment stood out to us...

"NTA but both of you need to get your shit together...changing days on your inlaws is not cool and nor is treating them like staff!

Your husband needs to have work as his first priority, and baby as his second...his social life is 3rd!

If he is not at work, he should be with the baby.

If he wants to organise a social outing he should arrange it with his parents....not assume that they have the baby every mon to thurs!

Honestly, he sounds like he has not adjusted to being a parent and still acts single."

Our verdict...

We would definitely be worried in this situation; the poster's husband doesn't seem committed to his family or like he's even wanting to live the life of a family man - having openly said to his wife. Could this have been in the heat of the moment? Perhaps. But it is certainly worrying.

Should he free to attend social events and have a break here and there? Absolutely! But so should his wife, who has become the default designated adult in this situation. It has also caused inconvenience for the parents-in-law who seem to be incredibly helpful; their kindness, in a way, has been taken advantage of because they're unlikely to say no to seeing their grandchildren, either way!

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