AITA: Gran Won't Give Free Childcare

A woman has been left outraged after her mother charged her £16 per hour to care for her baby - with late fees too!

We're sure that you'll all agree, achieving a balance between work and childcare is extremely difficult and intense, as well as expensive. Having family nearby who can consistently help out can be a huge cost saving bonus, as well as being a relief as if we can't trust family to look after our babies, who can we trust?

One woman took to the Reddit AITA (Am I The Asshole) board to share her gripe after her mother refused to take care of her newborn without being paid $20 (£16) per hour. It's worth noting that, sadly, many parts of the world don't have maternity leave like we do in the UK, with many mums in parts of the USA having very little time or choice when it comes to going back to work after giving birth.

The poster and her husband both work with a great salary, but are still struggling for money with the cost of living, so asked her mother for help with childcare so that she could go back to work. However, granny was having NONE of it! Read the post below...

"I (29f) asked my mom to help me take care of my newborn so I could go back to work once my leave is up. Mind you, my mom is 64, has been a homemaker/stay-at-home-mom since 1992, and hasn't been part of the workforce since then. She refused, saying she's too old and that she already raised her kids. She also added that if I really wanted this baby, then maybe I should have thought about staying home like she did to take care of it while my partner goes to work and provides for us like a "traditional" family, and that if she any my dad were able to work it out, so can we.

However, we are just coming out of a pandemic, going into a possible recession, there and there is no way me and my partner can make it financially on one income. I make $55k/yr, but have $39k in student loans + $20k in other debt (credit card, car loan, medical debt on credit). My partner makes about $36k/yr, and has $5k in credit card debt. I as the higher breadwinner, have an internal obligation to go back to work since not only i have the most at stake, I also make the most to keep our family afloat. We are currently in a small, 1 bedroom apartment in a metropolitan area, and would need to save money to move to a 2 bedroom once the baby grows up in a couple of years as we will need more space.

When I explained all thr above to my mom, she then proceeded to say that she will charge me $20/hr for each hour she takes care of the baby, plus late fees if we are late for pickup, and must provide her with a carseat, stroller, bottles, and pretty much double of everything we have at our home to compensate for taking the baby to her house. She will not step foot in my house for her own personal reasons (she's come in once, and I've lived with my partner for 5 years; she's a 15min drive away).

I want to save money to bring down our debt, and don't want to pay her as much nor invest as much in double of everything as it will spiral into more debt for me and my partner. I'm on the fence about enrolling my baby into an infant daycare instead as the cost will overall be lower and a little closer to our home. Due to our jobs, we cannot work from home so we are in desperate need of childcare. Everyone else in our family works full time so they cannot help us as they have a similar 9-5 schedule.

So, am I the asshole for wanting my mom, who again is at home all day long (trust me, she does not do anything besides watch TV and cook meals), to take care of my baby for free while me and my partner try to fix our finances?"

Find the original thread here on Reddit.

grandma

Stock image - grandparents are such a beloved figure in the lives of most people, but should they be expected to be at our beck and call with no reward?

What was the general consensus?

We're aware that is a really touchy topic with so many differing opinions flying around! The general consensus was that the poster is the asshole in this situation - we weren't quite sure how it would pan out, but the comments analysed the situation and broke it down quite well, leading us to perhaps agree that the new mum is slightly entitled.

The top rated comment was; "YTA: sorry to be blunt and rude but maybe don't have a child if you can't afford to take care of them. And if your plan was always go back to work you should of discussed that during the pregnancy with your mom."

We're not sure we'd agree with the top comment fully - not all pregnancies are planned, or if they are, people's financial circumstances can change so suddenly, so it's unfair to drop in the old chestnut of 'don't have them if you can't afford them'. However, it's a fair point that this should have been discussed during the pregnancy, and not just expected of the new grandmother. Assuming that she would take on childcare for free was very silly.

We liked this comment; "Aye, your mother has done her bit, she's raised you, fed you, and been in the work force, and the end of which she wants to put her feet up and maybe spoil her grandchild every so often, not get a second job looking after your kid. We can go into the deeper issue of poor pay, lack of government help with children, and indeed people giving deep thought to whether they are financially stable to have a kid later, but here and now it is not your mothers job to look after YOUR child. YTA."

The last part of the Reddit post did get our backs up so we're pleased to see that this was called out! Being retired with nothing to do other than 'put her feet up, cook and watch TV' is no valid reason to expect her to take on childcare at all, let alone for free. She spent her life raising the poster, giving her a roof over her head, presumably giving her money as she grew up for clothing, trips, fun days out with friends... the list is endless.

Our verdict...

There seems to be a rather outdated idea still floating around in some people's brains that a grandmother should automatically be the archetypal matriarch figure who takes on everyone else's problems in their retirement. From free money to free holidays, free bed and board to free childcare, we see too many posts expecting freebies from older relatives.

It seems that the poster was acting on the assumption that her mother would automatically want to look after a new baby all day to coo over the baby and enjoy the cuteness - most grandmothers LOVE time with their grandbabies, right? This is fair enough, and perhaps for a few hours here and there, most reasonable grandmothers would not mind if asked. But here, there was the unspoken expectation for months during the pregnancy that grandma would play the role of free childcare all week, for long stretches, for no cost which is a HUGE undertaking for any young adult, let alone a retired grandmother who perhaps may be starting to feel her age.

Finally, we got red flags from 'she will not set foot in my house for personal reasons'. To us, this implies there's something a lot deeper going on that has been omitted! Perhaps this grandmother has tried to help her daughter and son in law before to improve their situation (the debt, for example) and this assumption was just the final straw.

Grandparents are not automatic free childcare - can we get that idea out of our heads, at long last? If they are willing and able, fantastic. If not, don't throw a tantrum. The poster has indicated that she can actually afford the cheaper infant childcare setting, so she isn't left without an option.

Other articles...