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A shared birthday party for kids can be a cute concept, and a great way to save money!
However, it's fair to say that both sets of parents should be on board and communicating their ideas in terms of a theme, party food, entertainment and splitting the costs. If one side is struggling financially, it's then up to the other family to decide if they're able to pay more, which is definitely not unheard of in families who are supportive of relatives who are having financial issues but still want to give their child a birthday party. However, even so, you'd expect there to be gratitude shown and those being helped to never just presume or take the help for granted, right?
One parent has taken to the Reddit AITA (Am I The Asshole) board to share their very awkward birthday party quandary; their sister-in-law has always pushed for a shared birthday party, but this stopped after she and her husband grew weary of footing all the costs - from reading it, it seems like they were taken for granted - much to the dismay of her brother and her sister-in-law. They then threw their own daughter a party of her own, only for the boundary to be completely crossed despite the previous discussion and argument.
Read the post below...
"My (31f) daughter (8F) and my niece (8F) are born 10 days apart. Due to this ever since they were little my SIL (29F) has always pushed for them to have a "shared" birthday party. When the girls were younger (1-4) we used to do shared birthday parties. But my husband and I realized that we were always the ones to foot the bill for everything (food, decorations, location etc.). The girls also were complete opposites. My daughter has always been more of a tomboy, while my niece is SUPER girly.
When my husband and I told SIL and my brother that we won't be doing the shared birthday's anymore, they we really upset and it started a huge fight. They said they can't afford to throw a nice birthday for my niece but we can, so it makes sense that we pay for it since we're "family".
Yeah, not gonna fly with my husband and I. So we stuck by what we said and every since the girls have had separate birthday's.
My daughter and my husband love watching Formula 1 together, and she wanted to have a Formula 1 themed birthday this year.
The weekend before the birthday we had a family dinner at my parents house. SIL, my brother and niece were present. My parents were asking the girls if they were excited for their upcoming birthday's, and if they were having parties this year?
My daughter told my parents she is having a Formula 1 themed party this year. SIL answered for my niece and said they're not going to have a party for her because thing's were tight. The conversation was left there.
Fast forward to this past weekend (daughters bday was on Saturday) we had the party and it was going great. The whole family was invited as usual, and everyone was having a great time until the cake.
I'm in the kitchen with my mom, MIL, SIL and a few other family friends talking. I pull the cake out to get it ready to bring out for everyone. SIL takes a look at the cake and looks confused.
SIL: "is this the girls birthday cake?"
Me: "what do you mean 'the girls'? the cake is for *daughters name*"
SIL: "well I thought since I mentioned that thing's are tight this year, that you'd include *niece's name* in the birthday?"
Me: "I understand your situation, but how come you never once mentioned this to me?"
SIL: "Well I thought it would be common sense? Now my daughter isn't going to have any kind of celebration for her birthday this year because you and you husband are so selfish".
She then stormed out of the kitchen, made a huge scene at the party outside yelling to her husband and my niece that it's time to go and left. Since then she's been messaging me and my husband non stop trying to make us feel guilty that my niece isn't going to have a birthday party, and calling us all kinds of names.
I feel bad that my niece isn't going to get a birthday party. AITA for not including her even though they can't afford it?"
Find the main post here on Reddit.
What was the general consensus?
There's no final vote on whether the poster is the asshole or NTA (not the asshole), but going by the comments section, the poster has been deemed NTA by the majority of readers engaging with the post. The top comment was;
"NTA. First of all it’s simply not your job to make sure your niece has a party. That’s up to her parents. If things are tight maybe they need to be creative but it’s still on them. Secondly, it’s ridiculous for her to think that hinting around will get her daughter added to the party. If it was as important to her as she acts like it is then she should have had a frank conversation with you and simply asked. You could have still said no but their wouldn’t have been the confusion. This is on them, not you."
Someone else pointed out that the dollar store (the US version of what we'd call Poundland here in the UK) sells birthday party decorations very cheaply, with a homemade cake also not costing much to make, and party games such as pass the parcel, musical statues and musical chairs being options for entertainment. They went on to conclude that the poster's brother and sister-in-law were taking advantage of their generosity and reluctance to challenge them over their presumptiveness for the first four years, so were trying to push the boundaries yet again as well as emotionally blackmailing the poster and her husband which was deemed completely unfair, especially in front of the party guests!
Our verdict...
Is it sad that the poster's niece didn't get a birthday party out of all of this? Absolutely. It's not her fault. But is it the responsibility of her aunt and uncle to fund yet another 'joint' birthday party? Absolutely not. The parents in this situation are presumptive, emotionally manipulative and very ungrateful as they had four past birthday parties held for their child where they've shirked responsibility for the stress of organising the event, and funding the costs. The boundary was then put in place, whether they liked it or not, and their reaction is completely unreasonable. The poster isn't psychic, and is absolutely not unreasonable to not have added the name of her niece to the cake as quite simply, she wasn't asked to - but she would have been well within her rights to have said no in that scenario although from the sounds of it, she would have as she feels bad.
The poster is NTA, in our opinion, although we do have some empathy for the parents who likely feel very guilty that they can't give their daughter a lavish birthday party like her cousin has each year. However, are these the right values to be instilling in a child? A party isn't a necessity, and there are other exciting ways to celebrate without spending hundreds!
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