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One of the cardinal rules of 'adulting' is never make a promise you cannot keep, especially to a child.
Whilst sometimes children do have to learn how to deal with disappointment and that plans can change, is it really fair if an adult they love, trust and look up to breaks an important promise to them? One dad has taken to the Reddit AITA (Am I The Asshole board) to ask if he's an asshole for insisting that his brother, due to get married, explains to his son that he can't attend - despite their longstanding promise that he'll be the ring bearer!
Read the post below...
"My (31M) son is five years old. About a year ago, my brother (34M) reassured my son that he could be the ring bearer at his wedding. This conversation occurred after he heard us talking about mine and his dad's wedding and was very offended he wasn't invited despite the fact that wouldn't be conceived for another three years after the event. My son really latched onto this comment.
Now, all these months later, my brother has proposed and is planning a wedding with his fiancée. When I told my son that his uncle was getting married, he was obviously overjoyed and immediately launched into bragging to his younger brother (who wasn't born when the initial conversation took place and was just giving him typical baby babbles in return) that he got the be the 'ring bear.'
I heard the proposal news from my mom and when I called to congratulate my brother, I also told him the story of how excited our oldest is. My brother went on to tell me that his fiancée is pretty adamant about a child free wedding, so the promise he made might not be doable anymore.
This was obviously hard for me to hear. Not only would this break my son's heart, this would also make mine and my husband's lives considerably harder. We're currently living abroad and didn't think we would have to find childcare for the time of the wedding. Our only options now would be:
Fly with our children and leave them in the care of people we don't fully trust since all trusted family members will be attending the ceremony
Leave both children with a trusted friend near our home and fly to the wedding (not ideal since, thanks to flexible work schedules, we were planning to spend a month with our families following the wedding... flying in for the celebration, flying home to pick up our children, and then flying back is too exhausting. Them flying alone obviously isn't an option.)
Not attend.
My brother said he would try to get his fiancée to reconsider, but we spoke two nights ago and he said she's putting her foot down. Admittedly, I was hurt over this on my son's behalf. I told him we would still try to make it, but it was unlikely that we could. I also told him that if he even wanted us to consider coming, he would have to tell his nephew himself that he was going back on his promise and why.
My brother said it felt like I was issuing him an ultimatum and making him choose between family and his wife on what's supposed to be the happiest day of his life and that I was being unfair. I said he shouldn't have made promises he couldn't keep.
AITA for insisting my son be invited to the wedding?
Find the original post here on Reddit.
What was the general consensus?
The poster was voted NTA (Not The Asshole) by the readers of Reddit, with over 9000 votes. The top rated comment was;
"NTA, I think you summed it up beautifully. Your brother made a promise that got child all hyped up, and now he wants someone else to deal with the emotional fallout when he renegs, because it would be inconvenient for him to deal with it himself? That's an asshole move right there."
This comment also got a lot of upvotes;
"His brother is an AH for assuming OP would come in from another country and leave the kids behind! Or go through the struggle of flying two small children internationally and then leave them in a hotel with a stranger. It’s commonly understood that destination weddings are difficult for families with children and they may not be able to make it logistically. If having family at your wedding is important, you don’t put giant obstacles in their way!"
Our verdict...
Everyone has the right to decide if children can or can't attend their wedding - it's totally their prerogative. However, we feel like there is a really sad lack of flexibility on the part of the bride here and she's hardly making an effort to ingratiate herself with her new in-laws, and especially not the nephew that her husband-to-be has been so close with! Again, she still doesn't have to agree on that basis, but it's not just her wedding! There doesn't seem to have been any effort to compromise, even when considering that the groom's brother may not even be able to attend now due to the wedding being a flight away and the ensuing childcare arrangement issues. If they weren't close family, perhaps it would just be 'one of those things' but this is the brother and nephew of the groom! Surely in these situations it isn't unreasonable for exceptions to be made?
Now to address the promise that the uncle made to his nephew about being the ring bearer - we absolutely agree that the poster isn't the asshole here. It really should come from the uncle; we know that sometimes promises can be made in good faith without knowing they may not be kept in future, so it's not his fault on that part, but he did make the promise originally. Explaining it in to his nephew himself may actually help reduce any upset or misunderstanding, and help his nephew to learn that sometimes, things change - fairly or not. At least he will still be able to trust his uncle to be open with him, if he's the one to break the news. Realising how sad his nephew will be may also perhaps help him to align his priorities and insist on more balanced input on the wedding because, like we said before, it isn't just the bride's day!
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