I’m not meant to be a SAHP-S, I’m meant to be a PTNP (Part Time Nursery Preschooler) but I CBA.
I’m often asked how I fill my time as a SAHP-S so I thought I’d give you an insight into my average day.

I wake my family when the birds wake me – seems fair.
I usually declare I need a poo, that gets them out of bed quickly.
I’ve also been working on my ‘clock a do do do’ – they don’t take that as seriously as I’d like.

This is the time I also like to declare the name changes of the day.
Mummy will, from now on, be known as Betty.

I tell the parents I’m not going to school, something about it being too big – I don’t know what I mean either.
We have a bit of banter.
They tell me I’m going, I tell them I’m not.

 I cry, I win.

If they do try and make me go I’ll turn into a dead weight and refuse.
It’s a simple but effective tactic.
It makes Betty talk about forks cakes or something.
No idea!

We get rid of drop Aoife at school. Betty will ask again if I’m sure I don’t want to go to school.
She’s pushing it now so I tell her
“You’re annoy me now”
I don’t like to be harsh but sometimes she needs telling.

I suggest a smoothie at Waitrose, she gets a free coffee – everyone is a winner.
She has her ‘No’ face on but says
“Yes”.

I’m no expert but I’m pretty sure they feel bad about saying ‘No’ a lot.
Like we’re ‘missing out’ on stuff so they say ‘yes’ and then don’t feel bad.
I sometimes ask for things I don’t even want just to see what happens.

Once we get home, Betty gets her laptop out to do ‘work’.
She makes me numerous drinks, gets out the box of cars and the box of trains, builds a train track, gets out the play-doh and anything else I fancy.
She also accompanies me to the toilet.
I could go alone but who doesn’t love toilet company?

I hate when she is so busy and I am left to look after myself, so I sit on her knee a lot and ask for food.
This is when like to take a moment to remind her she isn’t Daddy, I find this often encourages more attentive behaviour.

She eventually relents and asks what I want for lunch, I tell her cous cous.
Betty has this obsession with vacuuming, she loves it.
I help the cause by putting cous cous on the floor, I’d hate her to feel she didn’t have a purpose.

After lunch I take my balance bike upstairs and ride it back down.
I’ll be honest, it doesn’t work as well as I had hoped.

Betty untangles me and my bike from the shoe rack.
She says she has got no work done yet.
I don’t know what’s holding her up.

She puts Netflix on. 

I tell her I want Max & Ruby then I remember I actually want Blaze.
She changes it, then I remember I watched that one yesterday so ask her for Daniel Tiger.
She tuts and says
“You’ve seen it so much you know all the words”
It’s called ‘skills’ mother!

I keep forgetting which Daniel Tiger I want to watch so she ‘gives up’ and comes to watch a film with me.
While we are watching the film I like to show her some of my toys.
She’s getting old now and has to move her glasses to see things up close.  I help by putting the toys right up to her eyeballs to make sure she can see them properly.
I can’t get comfy so I sit on her squishy chest. Apparently I’m not allowed to ‘beep’ them though.

When it’s time to get Aoife I carefully select four toys to take.
She says I can’t take them all

CHALLENGE ACCEPTED BETTY.

I quickly realise she’s right, it’s pretty tricky carrying them all but I’ll be damned if I’ll admit she’s right.
Halfway to school  I remember I forgot that thing I REALLY wanted to bring.
I turn round and start walking back home, Betty says no and she has to lift me up to cross the road.
Doesn’t she understand I really need that thing because…
“Look Betty, there’s an aeroplane!”

Once we get to school I do a circuit of the playground saying hello to all my ladies.
Betty says I know more mums at school than she does!
She’s just well jel.

I have a quick climb of the tree and jump in a puddle then get Aoife from her class.
Betty is, once again,  snackless.
This is getting a bit regular so we roll our eyes and run off in different directions.
Betty says we need to go home via the shop for essentials, she means wine.

She seems more interested in Aoife so I chatter and kiss her hand a lot.
Then I give her a hug in the middle of the road – that get’s a reaction, she scoops me in her arms and whisks me across the road.
She thinks that car was going a bit fast and advises him with her outside voice.
Aoife likes to walk backwards and I like to put my feet under Betty’s.
We have SUCH fun.

She reminds us all it’s three hours to bed time, I think she must be tired.

We get home and Aoife thinks she can choose what to watch on the TV, she is sorely mistaken and I yell at her until she realises the errors of her ways.
Then we play the game that involves jumping, shoving and pushing.
Betty says one of us will get hurt.
What does she know?

I get hurt.

She is most unsympathetic and says
“I told you so”
That’s not helpful mother!

Daddy gets in from work, Betty ‘tags him in’.
I go upstairs and quickly put toothpaste on my toothbrush, the sink and the floor before jumping on the big bed.

Daddy reads me stories then I retire.