Team DILF: 8 Things New Parents Need To Know

8 things new parents need to know!

1- That book you bought that tells you everything about everything. Yeah, it’s bullshit. Babies are renegade mavericks that play by their own rules and the minute you think you have it sussed…BANG…kick to the goolies.

2- The Tommy Tippee bottle maker machine is hands down the best invention ever. Breast feeding can be grim (allegedly) and when your wife’s nips have seen more teeth than a retired dentist, getting this bad boy up and running is like winning three lotteries.

3- To whoever invented musical books, I will find you and I will kill you. If you get these as gifts- unfriend, unfollow and delete that person from your life forever.

4- Calpol is deffo laced with heroin. I actually look forward to my kids getting sick so I can secretly fuel my addiction without the wife catching wind of it. I’m convinced Keith Richards switched from hard drugs to the pink stuff years ago and that’s why he is still alive at 132.

5- Babies get dream feeds. They eat in the middle of the night while still fast asleep, which is a skill you lose until you get very drunk and empty a fridge without knowing it.

6- Sudocream is basically oil and cement combined in some sort of bulletproof, cream like substance. You would think such a material would come with a baby proof lid..but alas…it does not! This top can be unscrewed quicker than a middle management mums bottle of wine on a Friday nite and will leave more tears and mess in the process.

7- If you get the opportunity to nap now, do it. Store those Zzzs up for later use!

8- Your child may have the sleep pattern of an Ibiza DJ but under no circumstances admit this to your peers. Nothing annoys other parents more than telling them that your little angels sleep like hibernating sloths even if they don’t! “Awake all night? Not mine mate. Put her down three days ago and she’s still going strong on half a dream feed!”