Dear My Baby Boy,

As I watch you sleeping, your lips pouted and moving as if you’re dreaming of taking a nice, long drink of milk, I can’t help but miss you.

I know this may sound like a silly thing to say when you a literally right here next to me, safe against the warmth of my body. Right now you aren’t going anywhere anytime soon but I know that won’t be the case forever and it’s something I can’t help but feel it, deep within my gut. You won’t need me like this in years to come and I miss that neediness already.

You’re almost five months old, my clever, big boy and you just keep getting bigger, doing more, needing me less. You’re still completely dependent on me, I know but you slip away slightly each time we close the blinds on the day just passed, edging towards independence with every milestone you hit and I wish I could slow you down.

You don’t feed as often, soon you will eat proper food and need me even less. You self-soothe and don’t want as many snuggles now you have a taste of rolling and starting to figure out how to move. I watch you with such pride as you wriggle around on your play mat even if my heart breaks a little when you cry to be put back down because now it’s me who wants to cuddle constantly.

How the tables have turned.

I remember the first four weeks like they were yesterday and, although they pretty much were in the grand scheme of things, they often seem like years ago. How I would cry and long for my body back sometimes when all you wanted to do was feed and lay on me. Now I can hardly get you to stay still on me for two minutes let alone sleep on me and my heart aches to be back in those newborn moments so I can savour each cuddle, treasure each feed.

I used to dread cluster feeding and now I miss it, I miss it so much.

When you’re trying to climb me like a tree in the middle of the night, wriggling around all over the place, I miss the slow motion calm of your sleepy body when you were fresh into the world. You’re so fascinated by everything around you and need to see exactly what is going on at all times but I miss the way I used to be the only thing you would see when we would sit nursing, bonding and getting to know eachother after we took you home.

See my boy, the days can often be long but the weeks? Oh how short they seem, time flying passed us as we navigate our way through these early days together in the comfort of our home. I want to hit pause and rewind every single time you close your eyes at night because even on those days I’ve longed for sleep to take you, I miss you so so much when it does and I wish for the ability to go back through the day and try a little harder.

I know that soon I will be missing the present time too as you start to crawl and walk, jump and play, hurdling towards all the birthdays and holidays ahead. I can’t wait to see the amazing young man you will grow to be as you start school, make friends, fall in love, get a job, a house, a car, children of your own.

It brings a tear to my eye just to think about those first steps you take away from me when you’re on your feet let alone doing all of the above.

You need me so much right now but know that I need you just the same if not more, a huge burden for such a little person to carry although one you’ll not be aware of until you’re a man grown.

Your life has been so short so far but you have already filled me with pride and have ample time ahead to continue doing so just please, please stay small for a little longer because I miss you already.

Written by Ashleigh for her blog, The Mammy Diaries.

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