Welcome To The Underground

Welcome to the underground. (No don’t panic, I’m not poorly referencing a sugababes song.)

Before I became a mum I would observe other mums, both consciously and subconsciously and make judgements and assumptions. Not because I’m a bitch but because I’m human, and whether we admit it or not, we all constantly make judgements about others. Through the constant stream of events and interactions that happen all around us we automatically observe and judge – and that aids us to make decisions about our own lives. For example; based on observation A, if I take action B then it’s most likely I’ll reach outcome C – this is a judgement. See – it doesn’t necessarily have to be a negative!

These judgements aid our decision making so that we make informed choices. So for the purposes of this blog post, I’m talking about informing us of what kind of mum we may want to be one day. And I’m talking about all kinds of choices like;

what we feed our babies
what classes they go to
if we do sleep training
if they use a dummy
if or when they might have have a sibling
what sort of childcare they go to
if or when will we go back to work, and for how many days
if are we going to follow through and confiscate the toy like we said we would
if we are going to wipe our child’s face covered in ice cream for the 43rd time in the last 5 minutes
or even let them have the ice cream etc etc

For years before I became a mum, I’d seen millions of mums in a huge variety of situations; at the doctors surgery waiting anxiously for their baby to be seen, on aeroplanes with small children, at the dinner table with friends and family, on my sofa in my home, at the park trying to locate their child, in the queue at Aldi trying to mediate a fight between multiple siblings, attempting to park their car at the Oracle (local multi storey car park), at work with baby sick on their shoulder, on the school run not giving way at a roundabout, on holiday running around the pool – you get my drift……mums are everywhere, and there are so many different kinds of mums – right? And now, as my Dad says, ‘I are one’.

It’s strange how once you are on the other side of the looking glass you see a different side to the story. I wrote about this in an earlier blog post (Open Your Eyes. Wider). And it’s not necessarily that you always had it all wrong, it’s just that you didn’t really get it, you couldn’t have.

Once you become a mum you realise what mum life is all about; the heartfelt joy you get to experience, the eye watering and heart bursting love, and the challenges you have to overcome. Every. Single. Day. No matter what kind of mum you are, you get this.

Let’s rewind a little. When you first have a baby you are met with a flurry of congratulations from your nearest and dearest and even from strangers in street. Most people are over joyed at the news of a baby’s arrival. And so, you receive a bundle of congratulations cards, social media posts and 86 cuddly toys for your newborn. I was fortunate enough to receive all of this and more when Leo arrived.

But there is one congratulations that has stayed in my mind, and it will do forever. “Congratulations Lis”, she said, “how’re you doing?” – and my stock answer in the early days was; “it’s the toughest thing I’ve ever done, but also the most amazing”. She smiled at me and asked, “So do you now feel like you’re part of the underground (community)? – of mums? – like you now get ‘it’?” This question resonates with me to this day, nearly nine months on, and I think it always will. The answer of course, was “Yes!” and it inspired me to write this very post six months on.

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Now that I’m a mum I see many things in life differently. I believe having a baby impacts your ‘lense’ that you use to view the world and almost everything in it. It’s like having a new pair of glasses. Even if it just strengthens the view aka the values and ideas you had before, it still impacts on everything. And now I have my mum lenses I have a more ‘educated by experience’ awareness when I observe other mums. Even though I’ve not been a mum long, you do just get ‘it’, you can imagine what they’ve been through to reach that point in their day. We are often enough, ALL enduring it, just a stage ahead or behind depending on the age of our child, from a different kitchen / bedroom / car park / nursery.

Suddenly, as mums, we have the ability to connect with one another more than we did before we became mothers. I’m sure you’ve experienced it too? There’s that look that you share when you both make eye contact. That look that says; ‘It’s ok you go first, you need to buy those nappies faster than I need to buy my weekly shop’.
The ‘not minding’ when the toddler is screaming at the table next to you when you’re out for a quiet lunch.
The ‘helping hand’ when you grab another mum’s trolley when it rolls back into the car park full of shopping while the mum is half in the car wrestling with the toddler and the car seat. Giving another mum’s hand a gentle squeeze to let them know ‘it will be ok’ during the quiet of the yoga class when silent tears start to roll down their cheeks because it’s all just gotten too much.
The simple buying of a ‘life saving coffee’ when they forgot their purse.
The ‘you go in first’ when you can see the fellow mum is stressed and desperately needs access to the changing facilities.
By making small gestures like this, what we are saying to the other mum is; I’ve got your back and I get it. I empathise. I care. Whether you’ve been in their shoes in that exact situation yet or not, it doesn’t matter, someday you know you will be.

We are all on the same journey learning and growing every day. And with very little sleep we are all dealing with a crying baby or toddler / who is refusing to feed / sleep and who has a very full nappy and there’s a pretty strong possibility that our home needs a good hoover / a laundry basket that needs emptying / a fridge that needs a refill / we are running late for work / the nursery pick up; or in some cases all of the above!

It is important then to remember that we are all part of the same community, we are all mums. Yes on the outside we all look ‘different’, and handle things differently because we are individuals, and we do make a variety of ‘different’ choices as mums, but in reality we are in fact ALL THE SAME; we are all women just doing our best for our children. And that’s what gives us this connection, that’s what makes us part of the same underground community. And this is a really wonderful thing!

So let’s remember this and make the most of every opportunity we have to help one another. You never know, your kindness might arrive when someone really has just had enough. And don’t forget, if you haven’t been in their shoes yet, someday soon enough you will be wearing them – just maybe in a different colour.

What kind gestures have you experienced since becoming a mum?