The Things Your Autistic Child Wants You To Know

The things your Autistic child wants you to know (From an autistic adult who is also a mother)...

You’re their safe space. They will mask around anyone who isn’t in their safe circle – this could be a parent they don’t live with, a stepparent, a grandparent, teacher. It doesn’t matter. They will mask from a frighteningly young age and then all those fears and anxieties come spilling out once they see you. It’s not because they hate you. Quite the contrary – they love you so much because you
are their safe person.

If you have ever been a stay-at-home parent, you will know the feeling well of counting down the minutes until your partner is home from work so you can tell them “You will not believe the day I have had!” It is a bit like that for us Autistics, except we only have the right words to explain it, especially children. So, it can appear as a huge meltdown when really, it’s an “Oh thank goodness, I can FINALLY get it off my chest how stressful my day has been!”

It may not seem like a big deal to you, or trivial. But after a meltdown, process and go back through the day. There will be tiny micro things that have built up and built up throughout the day. Once you can see the pattern, you can help intervene or find ways to keep your little one regulated.
Follow your gut feeling. Don’t let anyone convince you they HAVE to attend that group, go to that birthday party, start potty training before they're ready or limit screens. What your child needs may look different to what you’re “supposed” to do. Ignore it. The best thing you can do is follow your child’s lead.

If other people are judgemental or rude dismiss them from your life. Assume competence. Just because someone cannot speak doesn’t mean they do not understand.

Verbal communication is not the only form of communication. Using other forms of communication such as communication pictures or sign language not only gives us a voice but also in the long run encourages speech. It won’t make us lazy, and if we needed glasses to see you would get them so why wouldn’t you give us a voice?

We cannot be manipulative or “crafty”. Having a meltdown is a painful experience, being in sensory overload is a painful experience. It PHYSICALLY hurts. We won’t put ourselves through it for the sake of getting our own way, we just want to feel regulated. Regulating yourself means you can take better care of your child. Accept any help given and work with your partner or co-parent to ensure you are both rested. Running yourself into the ground trying to be everything won’t help any of us. Be careful what therapies you accept.

Our behaviour – stimming, spinning, flapping, having certain interests or playing a certain way does not need to be fixed or corrected. This is simply how we experience the world and that is ok. Try not to mourn the life you “should” have had. I am very much here, loving you in my own way. I may not be able to say, “I love you”, or I may not want cuddles on the sofa or look you in the eye. But I love you with my whole heart and you are the centre of my world. You are all that is safe and all that is good.

Written by Amber Collins - you can follow her on Instagram here!

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