The Secret Diary in The Day in The Life of a Toddler

THE MUMMY DIARIES: TWO BABIES – WEEK 39

It’s been all go this week with the Grandparents over again, meaning Jamie and Lily have been enjoying the usual spoiling and days out. James and I managed to reacquaint ourselves with the local pub while the babysitters were in town. Jamie’s halo was starting to slip slightly with Granny and Gramps in the midst of one of his ‘off’ days.

I’ve tried to explain what it’s like sometimes to friends who don’t have kids and they just laugh and look at me as though I’m making it up. My friends with kids? Listen, nod in exasperation and calmly suggest a wee night out. This is parent code for ‘we need to go and get shitfaced’. We both arrange a night in the near future to make this happen but we both know that on the day, one of us will have to call off our much needed gin-infused session, as one of our little delights will have some kind of Creche Disease and you will be up to your elbows in Calpol and puke. Ah, the secret diary in the day in the life of a parent. But what about from the toddler’s point of view?

The secret diary of the day in the life of a toddler by Jamie Hargan

4.00 am – I wake up cold as the duvet covers have fallen off the bed and my dummy is missing. I could lean down and lift the covers up where I would also probably find the missing dummy, but nah. There’s a maid next door who’s only sleeping. I’ll scream the house down and give her something to do.

7.15 am – I open my eyes. I have a couple of choices here. I can either get up and play quietly in my room? Or I can shout a bit and get that maid to take me downstairs and fix my breakfast? Mmm, yeah, I think I’ll shout a lot and get Lily up too.

7.30 am – Have breakfast. Smear said breakfast over the chair, table and pyjamas. Hand the finished plate to the maid. Run past Lily’s bouncer chair and push the back of the chair to the floor so lily nearly gets catapulted across the room and starts crying – she needs to toughen up if you ask me.

7.45am – 9.00 am – Happy to play quietly by myself and keep out of the maid’s way as she might take a notion of changing my nappy and get me dressed. If I don’t look at her, she might forget about me.

9.05am – Run, run, run, as fast as my legs can carry me. She made eye contact, which only means one thing. I’m getting changed. If I hide my face, she won’t see me. This woman has super powers. I hate this. I’ll lift my butt up and down on the changing mat, just to mash it in good and proper – she might think twice about lifting me the next time. Yeah, good idea – I’ll do that. Why does my face need to be cleaned? It’s not bothering me so why should it annoy her?

10.00 am – Yes! Lily is going upstairs for a nap. Story time, playing and some food with the maid. I grab that book with the numbers in it, sit up on the maid’s knee and make sure she doesn’t skip any pages. Then we read it again. And again. Let’s read it again. And one more time. And one more for good measure. I don’t get why Mummy just doesn’t read this all day long?

10.20 am – We play hide and seek. I’ll hide under the stairs – she never finds me there. Aaagh! Ok, I’ll hide under the stairs again – she’ll have forgotten about that place. Aaagh! Right, I’ll find a different spot this time. I think I’ll hide under the stairs.

10.30 am – Apple time! These apples are lovely but the outside red bit I’m not too fussed on. I’ll spit that bit out on the floor. That maid will lift it up, it’ll give her something to do. What is she shouting at me for? What else am I supposed to do with it?

11.00 am – The other little noise maker is awake and up. How come whenever she cries, she gets whatever she wants? She’s quite good fun sometimes though, I like to play but she always starts crying when I borrow a toy out of her hands. She takes my toys all the time, that’s not fair! I’ll push her bouncer chair down again and give her something to cry about.

11.30 am – Pretty bored now so I think I’ll go play with the remote control and watch all the numbers come up on the screen. Mummy always gets annoyed at this for some reason and starts singing that nursery rhyme about fox ache.

Noon – Lunchtime. Sat as good as gold and ate all my crackers and cheese just to make sure she gives me a yoghurt afterwards and express my feeding independence. This means I can do what I like at tea time.

12.45 pm – Try not to make eye contact as she’ll change me and then make me go to sleep. I’ll hide my face in the cushion so she won’t see me. I then express all the tired signs i.e. rub my eyes, yawn and start to whinge. Mummy’s super powers kick in again and she sees me through the cushion and proceeds to change me and put me in my bed. I don’t feel tired anymore and express my alertness with some shouting and crying. Mummy’s bloody fed up – apparently.

3.00 pm – I open my eyes and want a cuddle, some food, then a play in that order. Treated mummy and Lily to some tired whinging. Pressed a couple of buttons on mummy’s computer and shoved lily’s bouncer chair back while running past. Mummy got annoyed and did the fox ache nursery rhyme again.

5.00 pm – Mummy starts to cook the dinner. I really kick off at this for no apparent reason, other than mummy is so busy and I just would like some attention.

5.30 pm – Tea time. I don’t understand why she wastes her time making this stuff. I would much prefer jelly and ice-cream frankly and express my wishes by lobbing the beans at Lily. Daddy comes home to find mummy cleaning beans off the floor and Lily and tells daddy I’ve been like this all day. I wouldn’t say that’s fair as she hadn’t made me beans all day!

7.30 pm – Did a bit more whinging until daddy says he can’t bare it any longer. Mummy runs me a bath and I get to choose a couple of toys to play with in the bath. I don’t understand why I can’t have them all in? Mummy then tells me to have a nice splash but when I do splash, she gets annoyed and starts wiping the floor with a towel saying the fox ache rhyme again. Adults are weird.

8.00 pm – I suddenly develop a horrendous thirst and require juice at bedtime. Grab my teddy bear, get into bed and relax in my cute pose of one hand under my head and the other under my cheek while sporting a slight smile. Just before I nod off, mummy and daddy give me a kiss and say night night baby, love you.

Hmmm, I’ll commence the shit storm again in the morning.