Parenting in 2019…and it’s only March ffs!

1- Throwing cheese at babies is now a sport although apparently you are meant to use a slice, not a block, according to the “rules.”

2- Most celebs from my childhood turned out to be paedophiles. Even the guy with the pet monkey, bleached skin and botched surgery face who owned a fair ground and let kids stay over. Yes…even him.

3- You can’t call your child ‘him’ or ‘her’ in case they identify as a tree dwelling unicorn or a table from the 1930’s.

4- Oh your child is 19 days old? Here have a Happy 19 days old card from us. Back in my day you got a card for your birthday, not every Tuesday, month or week just for being born. If you invite me to a party to celebrate your child turning anything other than 12 months older than their previous birthday, I will use your skin to make a suit.

5- Your child can become a ‘self made’ billionaire if you have a sex change and lend them a few million to get started. A relative may also have to sleep with a rapper.

6- I’m old school and believe you should get a medal for winning. These days your offspring can crawl the 100m in 20 minutes while eating a burger and playing games on their iPhone 14 and still get a certificate saying ‘Best sprinter this side of Jamaica’. I can’t wait to see how these kids do when a future employer throws them out a window for texting during an interview.

Written by Neil McTeggart for his Facebook blog, Team DILF!