There’s going to be a big hole in ITV2’s schedule when Love Island finishes, so I’m going to pitch ‘Parent Island’, where the objective is to find your perfect parenting pal for coffee mornings/soft play hell holes/wine o’clock. Here’s how I think the drama would unfold:

– The show airs at least 24 hours later than planned when everyone refuses to get their underboobs and arse cracks out in the name of on-trend swimwear. When something the size of a watermelon spent the best part of 48 hours cannonballing its way out of your hoo-ha, you have literally zero interest in giving yourself a front-to-back wedgie for the sake of fashion.

– Amongst a sea of footballers, firefighters and ‘influencers’, new islander John casually drops into the conversation that he’s in charge of booking the CBeebies bedtime story guests, and Tom Hardy ‘is a really nice guy actually’. John is now a God. Everyone wants to be with John, or be John. John has instantly become everyone’s ‘type’ (whereas in Love Island ‘type’ seems to be code for ‘hair colour’ – who knew that the key to finding true love was lurking in a bottle of Tresemme??).

– There are no midnight slanging-matches, mainly because everyone’s in bed by 9pm. Not to ‘do bits’ or reach second base, or any of that other nonsense, they’re just revelling in the pure joy that is 12 solid hours of sleep during which nobody is kicking you in the face, asking if it’s morning time yet or quizzing you on who your favourite member of Paw Patrol is.

– John goes from hero to zero after accidentally revealing after one too many drinks that he thinks ‘Hey Duggie’ is overrated and “Show Me Show Me” is compelling viewing. Nobody can stand to look at him anymore and John is relegated to the day bed to reconsider his life choices.

– Nobody gives a damn about going into the hideaway. The luxury of being able to have a poo in peace without assorted members of your family wandering in to have a chat/sing you a song/ask you where their car keys are is ultimate privacy goals….

– Finally, the winners walk away with 18 year’s worth of Prosecco, Domino’s vouchers, Play-Doh-resistant furniture and ‘get out of bedtime free’ cards. Lucky sods… #ItIsWhatItIs #ParentLife

WRITTEN BY SIOBHAN BUTEL FOR HER BLOG, MUM MALARKEY – PASS THE WINE PLEASE.

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