Maternity leave home truths 

As I sit and write this, I’ve got an (almost) 3 year old climbing on my back shouting ‘yee-ha cowboy’ and a 4 month old smiling sweetly up at me whilst making some very ominous smells… and I couldn’t be more grateful. They’re my everything. BUT I think it’s so important to admit and talk about the fact that this parenting shit is bloody hard! 

With two children under 3 I’ve spent the last few years on maternity leave, only returning to work part time. Like probably a lot of new mums out there I had a very naive view of what maternity leave would be like. I knew it would be hard… but the aspects of it that I struggle the most with are things I’d never considered!

I’d pictured leisurely strolls into town with a full face of make up, meeting up with friends for coffee ( wine ) and a home cooked meal on the table every night! Now don’t get me wrong some days I did cook a proper meal, chat to friends and generally felt like I had my shit together -but the majority of the days were a world away from that. In reality a ‘stroll’ into town sent my anxiety through the roof so I only went when I absolutely had to. Looking like a greasy haired zombie who hadn’t slept in days and didn’t own an iron. It always resulted in an awkward super fast walk / mini jog home because I was desperate for a wee ( again ) and my boobs had started leaking through my top.

I literally breathed a sigh of relief when I shut the door behind me.  I’ve always suffered with anxiety but having a new baby brought about a whole universe of new things to worry about!

You have this precious tiny being that relies on you for EVERYTHING! And you feel like the whole world is judging you. Maternity leave can be a very lonely time, especially if your not lucky enough to have friends that have babies at the same time, and most days it took all I had to get to Sainsbury’s and back – which is literally a 1 minute walk from my house. I’d feel physically sick with nerves before going out sometimes.

Without the daily routine of a full time job forcing me out of the house I so easily became like a hermit! It was just so much easier to stay in my little sanctuary.

But this was all I’d ever wanted – my own home and my own precious little baby, so I wasn’t allowed to be anything other than happy right? 

The guilt I felt was something else… guilty for not being super happy all the time, guilty that I wasn’t enough for my baby, guilty that I have friends who struggle to conceive and I’m moaning! I’ve suffered miscarriages myself and I remember thinking how can anyone with a healthy child moan.. they’ve got it all! 

But everyone is fighting their own battles… and it’s ok to admit you’re not ok. 

Take each day as it comes and try to remember all you have to be grateful for – but don’t feel bad for struggling! Because in reality there’s not many of us who aren’t.

Written by Olivia. You can follow her on Instagram here!