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Written by Sarah Hughes for her blog, Pearls of Kiddom.
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Shall I tell you how, in 21 simple steps, to send a grown woman properly mad? Like ‘filling her pockets full of pebbles and walking into the sea whilst twitching and shouting incoherently’ type mad?
1 – Give her three kids. Two kids would take way longer to achieve the desired effect.
2 – Make them all boys. Wild, testosterone-filled boys.
3 – Make sure they all walk at 10 months old and then never stand still again. Ever.
4 – After the birth of the third baby, get the woman’s husband to inexplicably take a job which requires him to go abroad so that he’s rarely around. That’ll tip her reet over.
5 – Get the decorators in for a week, meaning the house which contains the three wild boys is covered in wet paint.
6 – Take off the baby gates for the decorators. We all like to live life on the edge (of the top stair) don’t we.
7 – Despite constant stressing and hyper-vigilance, watch the baby injure himself many many times.
8 – Have the baby decide that 6am is a disgraceful time to get up, you lazy bastards. Let him decide that 3.30am is where it’s at.
9 – Get the baby to stop taking naps. Instead just have him walk around sobbing with sheer exhaustion and repeatedly hitting himself in the face with a whisk which he found in a kitchen draw and now cannot possibly be parted from.
10 – Let the baby become OBSESSED with eating stuff out of the bin. Old courgette stumps, manky used wet wipes, soggy tea bags…
11 – Introduce football world-cup stickers as a bribe to make the big boys behave… and then watch them tear each other limb from limb when one gets Ronaldo and Messi in the same pack whilst the other one just gets ‘a load of random defenders from Turkey.’
12 – Have the baby shit in the bath
13 – Do not notice that the baby has shit in the bath and proceed to put the other two children into the bath.
14 – Watch the middle child suck the bath water out of the flannel, whilst simultaneously realising that there are brown flakes EVERYWHERE.
15 – Have all three children suddenly decide that they feel unwell (most likely due to drinking shitty water, but possibly because they have been poisoned by the sausages which may not have been fully cooked at tea time) and therefore must ALL be physically attached to their mother at ALL times. This includes but is not limited to; while she sits on the toilet, while she has a bath and while she loads the dishwasher.
16 – At approximately 8pm, when the baby finally falls asleep, have both older boys go for a crap in the two separate toilets. Let them both shout down at the top of their lungs that they need toilet roll, waking the baby up.
17 – When she goes to the cupboard to get new toilet rolls, let the woman find that the decorator has painted the cupboard shut. Completely glued shut.
18 – Unable to get at the bog roll; give the irate children wet wipes and a nappy bag each.
19 – Get the woman to deal with the shit-filled nappy bags. Gagging.
20 – Let the children refuse to go to bed for (what feels like) many hours and for many reasons (all of them bullshit).
21 – Finally let the woman sit down at 10pm, past hunger, but more tired and in need of alcohol than she has possibly ever been, ready to have a little cry and a big fuck-off pint of wine… and let there BE NO WINE.
That; my friends is how it’s done.
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