Team DILF: For Those About To Join The Baby Game, Heres What You Need To Know...

Not everyone on the page is a sleep deprived, sex craving zombie with a sugar addiction and back pain.

Some of you might not have had babies yet.

For those about to join the game, here’s what you need to know.

1- Babies are shite. They give no feedback for what seems like years so you basically own a mini bodybuilder who needs fed every 3 hours and poops everything from tar to snot to mustard seeds. The day they smile is a game changer but until then, mini Arnie will be minus craic.

2- I had never heard of ‘tummy time’ until our first daughter was born with a head like a Rubix cube. Tummy time is when they lie on their front and freak out because they hate it but if you don’t do it, you end up with Sponge Bob Square Pants for a daughter.

3- Mid wives call to your home and basically give your wife the worst exam ever. “Are you still breast feeding Mrs DILF?” “No, my nipples were about to fall off and I’m in pain from the eyelids down so we switched to bottles.” “Well in that case you’re going to hell.”

4- Babies look like the Dad. Apparently it’s to stop the man either eating the baby or leaving because he can’t be arsed with his new found financial and emotional leech. Mums absolutely hate this considering the birthing part was mostly them.

5- The first child will be the most exciting thing to have ever happened in your life ever. Your second will be left in the car seat and half way through a Netflix marathon you will be thinking,
“feck me!…where did I leave it?!”

6- Women have breast feeding support groups but I’ve yet to see a forum where men can talk about how their wife has great boobs but they aren’t allowed to play with them. It’s literally a slap in the face from Mother Nature.

7- I take back point three. Midwives are actually hero’s and we couldn’t do without them.

8- People with more than two kids are basically secret millionaires, drug dealers or pimps.

9- You can buy white noise makers. These small devices are great for helping a baby drift off but for adults it’s like being in an army bunker some time between the air raids and the Christmas party. I’m half deaf and still think a Chinook is landing on the roof with its air con going at full blast.

10- I wouldn’t change a thing.