As you know I usually write about the trials and tribulations of being a first time mum. My stories are usually humorous as my life is ridiculous. Yet sometimes things are hard and things are tricky but I tend to ignore that and focus on the funny. Since being a mum, feeding my child is something that has really bothered me. I know I have mentioned the topic of baby feeding before but I have just skipped over it and not really gone into lots of detail but now is the time to get it out there because it’s really getting on my tits (it literally was).

Before Felix was born I was adamant he would be breast fed. I had been told time and time again that ‘breast is best’ and if I used formula I was the devil or letting my child down in some way.

When Felix entered the world I was asked by the midwife how will you be feeding and I responded with breast and they continued to show my how to get him to latch on, I was so proud of myself and the decision I had made. I was giving my baby the best start and this would be a fabulous cheap way to feed my son.

We were let out of hospital the next day and the breast feeding had kind of been ignored, we all assumed, including me that is was going well and all was good. I had attended classes before he was born and I had asked friends for hints, tips and advice. I had got this. I knew what to do.

The day after we were released from hospital Felix was lethargic, off his food and turning a light shade of yellow. The midwife sent us to A and E as he needed to be checked for jaundice. The hospital confirmed our suspicions but it wasn’t bad enough to do anything so we were sent away. By this point my nipples burned. They felt like someone had ripped them, jumped on them and then set fire to them. Who knew you could injure your nipples. The next day Felix still wasn’t right and seemed to be getting worse. He was now glowing and looked like a baby Simpson. We trotted back off to hospital and this time his jaundice levels were through the roof and he needed to go under a lamp. Felix and I were both admitted to a ward.

The nursery nurse came and gave me breast feeding support and showed me the best types of nipple cream to use. Soothing those beasts was amazing. My nipples resembled cracked chocolate digestives, nobody warned me of this. Several days later we were released back into reality. All was going well. I was feeding him on demand and would happily do it in public. Don’t get me wrong wapping your boobs out in m and s cafe is odd but nobody really cares. I felt very free. I know not everywhere is as welcoming as this but ladies if your breast feeding whack them out and be proud. When else can you sit in a public place bra free?

The following week we had a midwife check at the doctors. This was not my usual midwife and she had never worked at the centre before so she was a bit flustered. I couldn’t wait to be told how much weight he had gained and be signed off. This didn’t happen. I cried. She informed me Felix had lost too much of his body weight. He had dropped from 8lb1 to 6lb8. I hadn’t noticed my bonny baby was starting to resemble a slightly yellow skeleton. Off to the hospital we went again. We were admitted, I cried, Felix cried, I cried some more. I felt like I wasn’t good enough and I had starved my child. How had I not noticed? I spoke to Ed and decided I wanted to formula feed. I needed to make sure he was getting food and he was getting fed. It was more important to get food into him than where it came from. Surely formula can’t be that bad seen as they sell it and I was a formula child and I survived. Ed said he would support me in whatever decision I made but he too wanted Felix to be fed and getting better.

The doctor told us we would be on a strict feeding plan and wouldn’t be able to leave until he gained weight. The breast feeding lady came in. I told her my wishes. She didn’t listen. She thought I was making a rash decision. I was not. She hand expressed me and then she latched Felix on to me. She gave Ed an electric pump that was older than me and feels like it’s pulling your soul out and insisted he expressed from my other boob. I sat there and cried. I didn’t want to do this. Ed was torn. He was told it was best for the baby,he was under just as much pressure as I. I was being milked like a cow, against my wishes while I sat there crying. I wanted it to stop. The hospital kept praising me for how much milk I was getting out and how good the latch was. They insisted I continued. I didn’t want to but felt so bullied I had no choice.

They provided top up formula. Felix loved it. I loved it. I had to record how much I was able to express from each side, how much top up formula he had and every dirty nappy. I was expresssing and breast feeding every 2.5 hours. I was checked on every 3 to make sure I was doing it. I didn’t want to be there. I just wanted to feed my baby and for him to get better. At 9.45pm the hospital informed me they would no longer provide top up formula. I looked at Ed who said “I’m going to Sainsburys I’ve got 15 minute what should I buy?” I have never felt so relieved and let down all at the same time. Why weren’t they helping me? I appreciate breast feeding has amazing benefits and really is brilliant but feeding my baby outweighed those benefits. We were eventually allowed to go home after a couple of nights but I had to see the community midwife the next day. I needed to get out of the hospital and I needed to decide what I wanted to do.

I felt so much pressure to breast feed. I was a failure. I couldn’t keep my baby at a healthy weight and I had no idea how much food he was having. I expressed and expressed and monitored how much he was getting but it didn’t feel right and neither of us were benefitting for the stress. I reluctantly decided I needed to formula feed no matter what people thought of me. I sat on the bed cradling Felix sobbing, apologising I had let him down and hadn’t given him the best start in life. I have genuinely never felt so guilty as I did that evening. Ed just hugged us both and told me Felix was the best thing I had ever given him and all he wanted was for me to be as happy as him. He didn’t care whether it was boob or powder feeding my son. He too had been on breast feeding courses with me so he knew the benefits himself. My mum took me formula shopping showed me how to clean and make bottles. I had no idea what to do. Nobody tells you about formula feeding, only breast is pushed. The community midwife reassured me and told me she didn’t care how my baby was fed as long as he was fed and we were both happy. She told me the best thing for Felix is a full stomach and a happy mum. It was the approval I needed. I felt so judged moving to formula and had been made to feel I was making a huge mistake for the welfare of my baby.

Looking back on it all now moving to formula was the best thing I did. I do still feel guilty about it. I’ve got a bit teary writing this but I know that it was the right decision for both of us. Don’t get me wrong breast feeding was what I wanted to do. I see people I know commenting on posts telling people they shouldn’t have formula fed and obviously didn’t do the research, it’s almost like formula feeders didn’t try hard enough and had no stamina.

Trust me I tried fucking hard to feed Felix myself but it didn’t work. Breast feeding is the thing that made me feel like the worst human in the world and genuinely could have me into a dark place if I didn’t do something about it.

To all you new mummy’s and daddy’s my advice is feed your children, whether it breast milk or formula fill their tummies and watch them grow. We shouldn’t be making each other feel bad about our decisions we should be supporting the choices each other make. I’m not judging you for dressing your child is those ugly croc shoes or giving your child a sausage roll when weaning so do not judge me on the feeding option I decided for my baby. We are a team so let’s do this together.

It’s taken me nearly 5 months to write this post and I know some people won’t like it but it needed to be said. I don’t want sympathy I just want to raise the topic and I want people who are struggling to know it’s ok.

Felix is now a happy baby who has gained weight and loves his milk, bring on the solids and hopefully a more baby feeding friendly world for us all.

Written by Lizzie Brown for her blog, Confessions Of The Unprepared.

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