Remember the days you could go for a piss in harmony? Get up, walk to the toilet, sit down, release your fountain, finish your business and you’re done.

You wanted to sit down? Pick a spot and lower your arse. 

Wanted to eat the last packet of crisps, all by yourself with no little hands begging for more? Crunch crunch mother fucker. You eat that shit all up.

A list of what you can do without kids, when you have kids, would be shorter. A LOT shorter. But fuck it, let’s go:

1: Waking up.

Before: Hear your alarm going off, wake the fuck up.
After: Hahaha. You have to actually be sleeping in order to wake up. You skip this step completely.

2: Getting dressed.

Before: Spend an hour finding something to wear. Iron it. Put it on. Change your mind and redress yourself until you’re almost late and have to leave. Don’t forget your selfies! #outfitoftheday#gofuckyourself
After: What’s a bra? What’s this stain? Is it shit? My old clothes still don’t fit? What do you mean?! Fuck it, you’re not leaving the house today. Pyjamas it is.

3: Eating breakfast.

Before: Can’t be bothered to cook and clean? Ring up a friend and go out for breakfast. Fancy some cereal? Get yourself a big ol’ bowl of whatever the fuck you like! Treat yourself, you deserve it.
After: You mean, find time to feed myself breakfast? People still do that?

4: Going to the shop.

Before: Stick on some shoes. Leave the house looking smug as shit.
After: Chase toddler 1 & 2 around while trying to dress the first you can grab. Scream internally as toddler 1 starts to take off their clothes as you dress toddler 2. Get their shoes. Battle to put shoes on. Put up pram. Find human lead for older, toddler number 1. Remember you’re still wearing cereal covered, BO smelling pyjamas and go to get dressed. Toddlers try to kill each other when you’re gone. Grab purse. Run out the door. Just for, wait for it…. one of them empties their breakfast into their nappy while on route. Are you sure you really need to go to the shop? You think of the alcohol isle calling out for your custom, and do what any good parent would do. Keep walking, and deal with the literal shit in a few minutes.

5: Taking a shower.

Before: Get naked, turn on shower, get under it.
After: Be surrounded by toddlers, one who will be trying to wash your legs, and the other slapping/poking your belly while saying “wobble, wobble, wobble”
Don’t worry, it’s fine. No one can see your tears in the shower. You’re already wet. Win win!

6: Going out.

Before: You want to go out tonight? Yeah sure. Want to get ready at my house? Ok I’ll bring pre-drinks. See you then!
After: Hahahahahaha. Hahaha.. hahahahaha. You can get right fucked.

7: Watching TV.

Before: Find the remote, turn on TV. The world is your oyster, watch what your heart desires.
After: Daddy finger, daddy finger, where are you? Clearly not letting mummy watch the fucking TV, god please help me.

8: Calling a friend.

Before: *Rings* Hiya love, you doing much? You hear about that moaning wee bitch Deborah?
After: Have you ever watched a war film, and there’s those really eerie few seconds that occur once someone hears a twat on the opposing side that accidentally coughed? It’s pure and utter silence.. then all of a sudden all hell breaks loose. That’s an accurate description of what happens when a phone rings around toddlers.

9: Buying new clothes. 

Before: SALES! Fucking SALES! Take my money! Buy that identical pair of jeans and dress you already have, it’s new! Fuck it, buy even more!
After: Holes and rips are fashionable now, why do you need new clothes? Stained is the new vintage. Maybe just look in the baby/kids section instead. I heard Next have a sale on their £16 pack of sleep-suits that are going to get covered in shit and piss, but you can buy anyway for the craic.

10: Going on holiday. 

Before: I’m so stressed lately with my perfect life. Working and having a social life is completely killing me. Plus I’m still upset over the nail lady fucking up the shape of my nails. Let’s book a last minute trip to Spain this weekend! #millennialsproblems

After: Google pictures of Barbados, consume a bottle of wine and you’re basically doing the same thing. You’ve more chance of running through a field of wheat with Theresa May and into Jeremy Corbyn’s arms, than having a stress free, child free holiday. Suck it the fuck up.

We still haven’t covered the basics of before and after, like breathing and living. But the above should be enough to cover the obvious.

Sadly I’ve no vouchers for free bottles of wine to attach to this post, but I heard that if you crack one open in your local shops alcohol isle, down it fast as fuck and replace the gold liquid with your tears; no one will notice.

**Unfortunately I can not confirm where I got this information from, but I can confirm waterproof mascara will remove any evidence if confronted by one of the shops assistants. No panda eyes here bitches.**

Written by Deborah Louise Feather for her blog, Operation Arse Wiping.

You can follow her on Facebook here!