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Written by Luca Russell for her blog, Just Luca.
A visit to the doctor: Written from Lochlanns perspective.
Maybe if I keep blowing raspberries and drooling I can turn my cot into a swimming pool! It’s light outside so mummy should be up soon, operation cot to pool in 3,2,1 GOOOOOOOO *drool, slobber, drool, raspberries, more raspberries drool*, ok now I’ll kick my legs and arms and pretend like I’m swimming!!! Yay this is fun my onsie and cot mattress is soaked mummy is going to be so happy!!! I’m a fish bulb bulb bulb ga ga goo goo.
*mummys face peers into cot*
“Good morning my cutie bum baby boooo come here!!… ew you’re all wet, why is the mattress all wet?? Ak lochlann have you exploded out of your nappy again? Right let’s get you changed!! We have to go to the doctor today about your leaky gungy eye.”
Jeeez woman why are you so upset? No, I did not wee out of my nappy, I was enjoying myself in my makeshift swimming pool! And doctor?? Oh hell no – last time we went there they stuck needles in my legs, it was worse than that time you turned off peppa pig and put that stupid trolls movie on, and another thing, I like my leaky, gungy eye, its cool and makes me totes individual, I’m going to cry and scream and kick my legs because you are so unfair to me woman!
I’m kicking off, mummy is trying to put my knitted jumper on, I can’t make out what she is saying amongst my crying rage but it’s something ridiculous like “it’s cold outside you need to stay warm”, does she not know that knitted jumpers are itchy and make me look like a potato? She won though, the mummy woman distracted me with my blue stuffed dog toy and magically slipped it over my head. I think in five minutes time I’ll boke on it and see how she likes those apples, she may have outsmarted me once but I’ll have my revenge soon…..
I decided not to boke on my jumper because my milk is much much too yummy and I don’t want to waste precious food, I had my bottle in 5 mins, the big mummy woman is delighted! She keeps muttering to herself all this shite like “crap we’re late, crap where’s my bag, crap! we need to go, we need to go”. I’m now strapped into my carseat milk drunk, giggling, watching this loony bin race around the house gathering all my belongings, it’s hilarious, that’s right mummy, pack my nappies because I’m going to poo in the car seat on the way there because I feel like it, I am the king.
I forgot about my poo plan to get her back for the hideous jumper she made me wear, instead I fell asleep, I love the car, it sends me to sleepy land. Also, I completely forgot where we’re heading.
ZzzZzzZzz…snore…snort shuffle snort… HUH WHERE ARE WE!?!? Oh…..this isn’t my house?? Oh there’s mummy, why am I in my pram? Mummy’s on her phone, she hasn’t realised I’ve woken up. I’ll just do a warning scream so she knows I’m still here – WAAAHHHHHHH GAHHHHHHHHHH WAAHHHHHHHHHH, ok now she’s giving me her undivided attention, wait, is she ssssshing me? What is this wench, dummies meeting? I WILL HAVE MY VOICE BE HEARD!!!!!
Jackpot, I’ve been lifted out, now I can see everything and pull my weird faces at people. Oh, there’s lots of people in this room, this woman next to us thinks I’m smiling at her… she’ss saying to my mummy how cute I am, realistically, I’m not smiling, I’m evil laughing because I’m going to fart very loudly any minute and everyone’s going to think it was mummy, muuuaaahahahahaha! Take that wench, I still haven’t forgotten this hideous jumper.
“Oh that’s us lochlann!” What is she talking about? Where are we going? This is a longggg corridor, there’s lights everywhere, I like lights, oh hello whats this room now?
“Hello Dr thank you for seeing us”
……Doctor? OH NO I REMEMBER!!!!! WE’RE AT THE DOCTOR!! I’m panicking now because I don’t want needles in my legs again, why would the mummy woman do this to me 
I’m going to start crying now so she knows how furious I really am. Amongst my sad heart wrenching cries I could hear mummy telling doctor “his eye is leaky and gungy, sometimes it’s stuck together and crusty…” I TOLD YOU MUMMY I LIKE MY EYE!! She’s just jealous she doesn’t have a sticky eye, it makes me look like I’m winking.
The doctor is now putting is hands on my face, he’s invading my personal space – how dare he?! I’m going to shake my head and wriggle about and make this really difficult for him, take that doctor!! You will not take away my winky eye. Now mummy thinks she’s being helpful by singing to me and holding my hand, no woman this will not work, and anyway, the only reason I fall asleep when you sing to me is because your voice is so BORING!!!!!!! STOP IT THIS IS AWFUL!
Why has he got that cotton bud in his hand? Oh no he’s coming towards me with it and silly mummy is still singing and making happy faces to me. You won’t outsmart me! I’m going to shout abuse at this doctor and let him know I am furious, I’m going to write a letter and call your boss, this is outrageous!! GAHHHHH WAHHHHHHHHH GAHHHHHHHHHH NAHHHHHHHHHH WAHHHHHHH!!! Ok now mummy’s holding my head, WHY IS THAT COTTON BUD IN MY EYE!!!!!! Ok, you may have outsmarted me this time doctor, wait until I can walk, I’m going to wreck your office and puke on your floor next time!
Now they’re talking big people talk, “we will send this to be tested and see if there is infection in his eye, call in a few days for the results…” , “thank you doctor, sorry he was a tad gurney and wriggly”.
A tad gurney and wriggly? Stick a cotton bud in YOUR eye and see how you like it mother!
Mummy rewarded me with a bottle when we got home, she kept saying what a good boy I was and kissed my face. I like bottle time, it’s my happy place, mummy’s singing to me again except this time I feel happy… relaxed…. maybe
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