The Bear Hunt

Written by Siobhan Butel for her blog, Mum Malarkey – Pass The Wine Please.

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*Disclaimer: swearing!*

We’re goin’ on a bear hunt

(She’ll never sleep without it)
Why didn’t we buy a spare one??
(YOU said we didn’t need one!)
But we’re not scared!
(We’re really shit-scared)
Where the fuck could he be?
(Where THE FUCK could he be?!?)

MAYBE we left him in Aldi…

Uh-uh! The Middle Aisle!
The chock-a-bloc, odd-o’clock Middle Aisle
We can’t go over it.
We can’t go under it.
Oh no!
We’ve got to go through it!
Oooh look – a lawnmower!
(We haven’t got time for this…)
I’ve always wanted a popcorn maker!
(Put that down or you’ll meet your maker…)
A pet crate!
(FFS!)
BALLS – no sign of the bloody bear.

MAYBE we left him at soft play…

Uh-uh! A ball pit!
A deep, dark, hygienically-questionable ball pit.
We can’t go over it.
We can’t go under it.
Oh no!
We’ve got to go through it!
Squelch squerch!
(This bear’s SUCH a cock)
Squelch squerch!
(Something’s stuck to my sock!!)
Squelch squerch!
Which ABSOLUTE chump
Left their half-eaten Flump
In this grotty, snotty ball pit??
BOLLOCKS – no sign of the bloody bear.

MAYBE we left him at ‘Pets at Home’….

Uh-uh! Rabbits!
Cutsie, cuddlesome, ‘I REALLY REALLY WANT ONE MUM!!” rabbits.
We can’t go over them.
We can’t go under them.
We’ve got to go through them!
“PLEAAAASE – JUST ONE!”
(It’ll cost us a bomb!)
“PLEAAASE – I’ll LOOK AFTER IT!”
(It’ll shit on the carpet!)
“BUT I NEEEEED ONE THOUGH!”
For the last time, NO!!!
Sod it, let’s just go home…