Moments of Clarity

Written by Luca Russell for her Facebook blog, Just Luca. 

Certain aspects of me before becoming a mum were very selfish, as a whole I wouldn’t consider myself a selfish person, but I’d be a liar if I said I’ve never had my moments.

One example that sticks out for me, when friends of mine had a kid/kids and I’d see them, alllllll they would talk about was their kids, and I’d sit and listen, but inside my head I’d be rolling my eyes wondering if they’d ever stop talking about their children, what their children did that was cute, what their child ate that day ect ect. I’d think “for the love of God has this person actually got NOTHING else to talk about?” And a very bored yet pretending to listen Luca would continue to be polite and converse anyway, I mean, I wasn’t about to hurt anyone’s feelings and say FOR THE LOVE OF GOD I FEEL LIKE I PRACTICALLY BIRTHED YOUR CHILD MYSELF I KNOW THAT MUCH NOW.

Selfish I know, and utterly heartless of me, but I understand now.

I understand fully, for now, my life revolves around Lochlann and Lochlanns routine, his naps, his feeds, his bedtime, entertaining him, taking him out and about, reading to him, picking out his clothes for the day, making sure he has what he needs, consoling him through a crying fit, wiping his arse, catching his projectile puke, cleaning his nose the list goes on. My life for now is about him, nothing else.

So it’s no bloody wonder, all those friends i mentioned above, only had their kids to talk about, I get it now, nothing else seems to go on apart from the routine. Which leads me to feeling utterly like crap when I’m asked….so what’s the craic with you? Any banter? Any gossip? And I’m literally like…. ‘umm so I’ve only got shit on once today and nearly wee’d on but I caught it with the nappy just in time! Also Lochlann rolled over! He’s so cute, oh and hes found his voice so he’s just screaming all the time now but not in a crying way. Also he’s blowing raspberries and slobbering everywhere, it must he the teething’ …and so on and so forth……that’s craic right? That’s gossip? Banter, yes?

I’m sorry friend, but for now that’s all the craic I’ve got.

For now, Lochlann is fully reliant on Josh and I. In time, and not that I’m looking forward to it in a sense, because I want my baby to stay a baby forever, (that’s also selfish of me) he won’t be as reliant on us, And maybe then, I’ll have more time for craic, banter and all the other things, I can get to be more of “me” again. Friends come and go and it’s especially evident when you have a baby, people either stay in your life or disappear, I accept that, I’m not overly bothered by it, because I know who will be there when I need, I know who’s true and who isn’t and its amazing to see. (Y’all know who you are and I love you all)

I’m just having a moment of clarity.

As usual.

Would I have things any other way? Absolutely fucking not.