Mixed Emotions As a Mother...

I’m hoping that many of you can relate to this as a mother and that I’m not the only one that has these mixed emotions….

Those times I felt angry.
Because try as I might to suppress those feelings of fury there is only so much food-refusal, sofa dive-bombing and incessant whinging that one mortal can take. I mutter, ‘For fuck’s sake,’ at least 100 times a day (whilst sighing).

There are times I feel guilty.
Bastard sodding guilt creeps up on me and smacks me around the face. At times it’s just a niggle of guilt but other times I swear it is trying to suffocate me, punishing me for getting angry and feeling bored and sometimes wishing I was in work. Guilt tells me I’m hands down the shittest mother in the entire history of shit mothers.

There are times I feel happy.
And really bloody thankful.
Not just averagely-pleased happy but overwhelmed-with-joy happy, bursting with pride and gratefulness for all that I have and all that we are as a family. Times when I find myself laughing at hilarious things the boys have done or smiling like a loony from ear to ear, wondering what I could possibly have done to deserve so much greatness in my life.

There are times I feel scared.
Scared of how much I love them. Scared about letting them go out into the big wide world (okay pre-school, but it is bigger and much wider than the living room). I feel scared when I can’t see them or hear them. Even when they had a sleepover at Nanny’s I couldn’t bear to look at their empty beds because I knew it would trick my mind into thinking what if….even when they go in the car with Nanny and Grampy… what if the unthinkable ever happened. I can’t even type it.

And it all takes its toll, doesn’t it? The laughing, then crying, then shouting, then worrying and then laughing some more. It’s not surprising us parents feel tired.

But I think I’m learning to accept it.
To take the crushing lows with the pretty remarkable highs.

What ever we are feeling we just gotta ride it out.