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Written by Toni Lorraine for International Pregnancy & Infant Loss Remembrance Day
2 weeks after my 20th birthday I became 1 in 4.
I went from being in a blind panic about the fact that I was pregnant from a one night stand to having my heart ripped out and my world flipping upside down. I was pregnant with twins from what was confirmed with my GP etc… Pregnancy loss honestly the most heart wrenching thing to go through, and you genuinely don’t think that the pain will ever stop. And it doesn’t, you just learn to live despite it.
I had comments made like ‘at least you can wait to have a proper baby now…’, ‘Well you’ve got lucky then with not having to be a single mom doing it all on your own…’ and one person even told me it was like losing the winning lottery ticket – that you still had everything you had before so you haven’t really lost anything. It hurts, even with the support of everyone around you, it’s the loneliest place you can be.
I think about my miscarriage all the time, I wonder what they’d look like, where we’d be living and what they’d be doing. I wonder if they’d be obsessed with paw patrol or YouTube videos of random crap. I’ll never know, because I was 1 in 4. I have a rainbow baby now, which is a baby after miscarriage or baby loss. It doesn’t replace anything, it doesn’t fix the pain and I look at her all the time and wonder what kind of little sister she would of been.
Many women are mothers, just because they don’t have children by their side that you can see, doesn’t mean that they haven’t carried life at some point.
Miscarriage brings out the ugliest part of you, the anger, jealousy, fear, the rawest emotions you can feel – but it can also be numb. It hurts too much to hurt, so you block it out. My only advice to give someone whose having/had a loss is to say ‘I’m here for you in whatever way you need‘, that’s the only thing you ever need to say.
I know everything happens for a reason, but it didn’t make my miscarriage any less painful.
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