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Written by Daniel Sherwin for his blog, Dad Solo.
Only a few people set out to raise children on their own. For the rest of us, it just happens. Whether you’re a single mom or a single dad through divorce, death, or abandonment, it is doable. Read on for some tips.
Eat, drink, and be merry–in moderation
Some single parents will be at higher risk for depression and emotional disorders. Many of them will medicate their own sadness with alcohol, overeating, or even drugs
However, it’s important to know that those behaviors are self-destructive. They can lead to serious medical problems, such as hepatitis and liver disease. And binging on drugs, booze, or food does not make problems–or unhappiness–go away.
If you are already developing an addiction or you know you have one, get help. A certified therapist or counselor can help you identify triggers and guide you back to a rational life.
It will get better
Statistics show that quite a few single parents are blindsided by divorce. They simply didn’t see it coming. Those parents are particularly vulnerable to despair because they haven’t had time to prepare for being single.
If you are reeling from a surprise divorce, it will get better. You can and will maintain your relationship with your children and find love again. Have faith in that. Fall back on your support system whether that be your parents, siblings, friends, church, or workout buddies. Let them help you get through this.
In the meantime, one of the cardinal rules for single fathers and mothers is to take no anger out on your children.
Take a deep breath and leave the room if you need to, but don’t let them see your anger and frustration. Keep in mind that your children may already be frightened. Displays of anger, even those not directed at them, will scare them even more.
Dating
A divorce can seem like the end of the world, especially if you possess conservative family values. Know, however, that your divorce does not devalue you. You are still worthy of love, and you will find it.
Writers at Parent Magazine tell us that you should begin dating when you are ready, and you should date for fun and companionship without worrying about where it will lead. Please don’t start dating just to get even with your ex or in an effort to “win” the divorce. In fact, there are no winners in any divorce, so try not to adopt that frame of mind.
Dating should start with networking among groups of people with whom you have things in common. If you regularly attend church, you can befriend single people there. Or volunteer your time at the Red Cross or Sierra Club. If you’re more into anime and cosplay, find a Meetup group that watches movies and goes to comic cons.
Find a friend first, and then see if friendship turns into dating. You’re on the right track if you are meeting people who like to do the same things you do.
Here are some other guidelines for dating while raising children:
- Disclose that you have children up front. It’s not fair to spring this on the fourth date.
- Tell your children that you have a new friend and that you will be spending some time with him or her.
- Don’t introduce your children to your new love until you are sure it will be long-term. Few things are worse for children than a parade of “uncles” or “girlfriends.”
As mental health experts note, “The way we eat, drink, love, and cope with stress, depression, anxiety, and sadness all play a big role in the state our mental health is in. Sometimes, it’s necessary to take a step back and ask yourself if you’re doing the right thing for you, and not the easiest thing.” As difficult as single parenting can be, you can and will be a good role model for your children if you lead by example by taking care of your own wellness in addition to theirs.
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