Team DILF: For Those Considering a Third Child...

A massive congrats to Kate Middleton and the birth of the artist formerly known as Prince.

You look better after your third sprog than I did after my first, although this may be partly due to your bank account being in the bajillions and not in the hands of my wife.

For those who are considering a third child…

1- Don’t do it! I’m the middle child of three boys. My older bro was the talented genius. My younger bro, the also talented genius, got the most love as he was the youngest. I may be the best looking and most humble of the three but I’m also the best looking. I forgot where this was going.

2- My wife mentioned 3 kids during one of her ‘turns’ and my body went into fight or flight or f&£k that [email protected]&t mode and gave itself a vasectomy. I guarantee my tubes now look like a bag of old earphones due to this evolutionary act of self preservation.

3- Having 3 kids would have been great in the 80s when you could throw them in the back of the van with a few beers and a roll of asbestos to play with. Nowadays you need to upgrade your sports car to a house on wheels with as much pulling power as Dot Cotton.

4- “I’m just off to work love so I can afford to send our kids to nursery while I’m at work.” Perfect logic.

5- One parent can carry two kids…just about. One parent trying to carry three kids is classed as professional juggling and you will need to get insurance and pay tax on such activities.

6- Hotel rooms cater for a family and two kids. If you have a third kid you need to book five rooms. I don’t know why but that’s just how hotels work.

7- Having a second kid shows the world you made a lot of mistakes with the first one and this was your chance to make it all ok. By having a third you are admitting that you messed up twice and we all know it.

8- Prince William can afford child care but the rest of us can’t. Mainly because we pay towards Prince William and his child care.

So there you have it. If your contraceptive drawer doesn’t contain more pills and rubber than a Formula One after party, then you only have yourself to blame!