A Letter To My Eldest

Lianne Harris for her blog, Mrs Mummy Harris.

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Dear Benjamin,

We have just announced that you are to be a big brother soon, not to one, but two siblings! All you have known is you and us and you have been spoilt for time from anyone who is willing to give it.

I know Daddy is very worried that once the twins arrive that you will be left out, but I promise you right here and now; you will not be left on the sidelines.

I have been that child who life is changed when a sibling comes around. I know it can be tough but you will not be left out. You will still be our number one boy. You will still be that little monkey who is obsessed with Peppa, dances to Little Mix and refuses kisses and cuddles unless its on your terms.

We have plans in place, once my maternity leave is over; I will be working from home, you will go to your Nans as usual and on weekends me and Daddy are hoping to get one on one time with you. Even if to start with its only one of us at a time! It will be a learning curve and one hat I hope you will be ok with as we ride the waves of newborn-ness!

I swore I would not have another child after you. I struggled when you were tiny, not for any fault of yours, but I was depressed, I had always wanted you but having you made it seem that I was failing and I was so scared to see your tiny body struggling in the NICU. I fought for you for all these years and I felt like I had failed you at the first chance of proving myself as a mother.

Nearly 18 months on and I’m still sitting here sobbing at the memories of you with wires over you and you struggling to breathe unaided. I thought having another child would not only give you company but perhaps for us as parents would give us the labour and hospital experience others get.

Alas, twins means no doubt another NICU stay. Perhaps for longer. You cannot always get what you wish for as I will never get that post delivery happy family photo. But thats materialistic. I have you, quite possibly the most amazing, well behaved child that we could ever have hoped for.

You will always be my first, the one who made me realise there is life to live for. You are the one who brought a love out in me that I didnt even know existed. You make my heart burst with pride and I will never, ever leave you out.

Being made to feel unimportant is not the Harris way, everything you do or say has merit and you are everything to me. I promise you this my little boy;  You will not be left alone. You will not be forgotten. Remember you are loved, always.