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Ah pregnancy – that happy feeling of producing new life. The stirrings and little kicks as baby grows. New parenting skills to be learnt.
Yes, once I had got over the nausea I was super happy to be pregnant for the first time. Life ahead was suddenly something new and exciting, with untold adventures with our new family on the horizon.
However, there were a number of obstacles that we were simply not expecting.
He (my gorgeous and well anticipated child) decided that 3.20am was an appropriate time to come into the world.
The planned water birth went out of the window as he decided attempting an upside entry to the world was best. He did not sleep unless in a moving vehicle. He would not breastfeed. Hello mastitis. He vomited. Constantly.
So on day 3 as the midwife rushed my husband to the shop to get cabbage leaves for my poor boobs and formula for my poor baby, we were knackered already and left wondering what the heck we had done. The first year with your first baby is probably the hardest thing that can happen to you BUT it is also the most amazing!
Hang on in there and try to chill out and enjoy it. Here are some ways that we managed to make it through and into year 2.
Parenting Instincts
There is SO MUCH ADVICE out there for new parents. I don’t want to be another one of those ‘you really should do this if you ever want to be a good parent’ adults. This is simply a list of advice that I wish I had been told. Parenting instinct is definitely the top one. Nature intended us to have babies so we must remember that we are designed to do this. We KNOW deep down what to do.
If you want to cuddle your baby, do it.
You want to spend £100 on baby shoes? Do it. (Personally I wouldn’t, they will last approx 10 nanoseconds before the feet grow.) What if you want to wear joggers and stay inside all day? Maybe you’re tired and just don’t want to be sociable. Do it.
If you want to eat that last doughnut, do it.
Maybe you want to eat salad but are worried everyone will think you are too concerned about your weight? Who cares? Just do it. As long as these things are keeping you, your baby, and your family, happy and healthy then do it. If they are not, then do something else. No one is perfect at this and no technique will work the same for two families. But go with your instinct. Do what feels good and right. Try not to live by baby advice books, live by your parenting instincts.
Sleeping Like A Boss
So this was our schedule for getting our first born to sleep:
- Give baby last feed.
- Put baby in moses basket in our bedroom.
- Turn out lights and withdraw like a ninja.
- Listen to baby crying until driven to distraction.
- Put baby into car and go for drive. Instant success. Yesssssss!
- Return home. Leave baby in car seat but put into bedroom.
- Baby wakes up.
- Repeat steps 5-7 about a million times.
And so on. Obviously this was not a sustainable technique and we even ended up phoning the maternity ward to ask what to do. We didn’t know, we were new parents. For all we knew he could have been malfunctioning in some kind of evil way that we had no knowledge of.
So we struggled on until we gave up and went to stay with the in-laws for a few nights. Our problem was that we didn’t have any family living nearby and were the first of our friends to have a baby, so had no one to turn to. So we packed up and headed off to London for help.
Sleep Advice
My mother in law didn’t give out advice, she merely put our baby to bed and we watched her. Bath, bottle, burp, bed.
Wait a minute! Burp????
The key to sleep. So this would be my advice to you….tried and tested on two babies and we now have two children who go to sleep with no fuss and sleep well. Don’t expect it to be instant and do remember that every baby is different, so go with your instincts!
- Baby bath
- Massage baby and dress
- Last feed whilst reading or singing to baby (never too young for a good book)
- Burp your baby
Put baby in moses basket/bed/cot/pram (not car seat – it’s really not recommended for their spines!). Where you want your baby to sleep is up to you, but do make sure you check co-sleeping guidelines (check out NCT or NHS websites) and have the correct amount of clothes and blankets for the heat of the room. Put baby on their back and keep away from pillows. Or go all Victorian and pop him in a draw (safely).
Why not go to sleep now too? We used to lay down next to the baby with our hand resting on his leg or arm and for him that little bit of reassurance made him fall asleep quite happily. The main thing is to do whatever keeps you calm and happy and promotes rest and sleep for all members of the family.
Time For Friends Old & New
Old Friends
These are the people who will be delighted that you are pregnant and then will either……
Be your best allies in the battle of the baby
Disappear completely
We all hope for 1) but realistically some 2) will happen. Don’t take it to heart, you may just naturally have less in common with them now, and they may not want to talk about nappy contents with you. For those that stick by you, remember to ask about their lives! It is so easy to get wound up in the whirlwind of new parenting that it is easy to forget that some people are unaffected by it! However, if they offer to babysit, say YES!!
New Mummy Friends
So this is a great opportunity to make some new friends for you and your baby. There is nothing more comforting than hearing other parents exclaiming about, questioning and bemoaning the strange contents of their recently weaned baby’s nappy. How reassuring to hear someone else has all the same queries as you AND wants to talk about them!
Ladies with cocktails
Make some mummy friends through ante-natal classes, baby groups or children’s centres. Make an effort to invite some round for coffee and cake (or, later down the road, cocktails!). You will get friends for life and your babies will love to have someone to watch/play with.
Cuddles
Do you want to cuddle someone? Your baby, your partner, your friend? Then do it!!
Hugging increases oxytocin levels, which is a ‘bonding’ hormone. This chemical reaction can help to reduce blood pressure, which in turn reduces the risk of heart disease. Cuddling reduces stress and anxiety.
Some people say that cuddling your baby too much will spoil them. But who ever felt neglected after being hugged too much?
It’s good for you. It’s good for your baby. And it’s an ideal excuse for not doing housework………
“Sorry, I couldn’t possibly wash the dishes/hoover/iron/make dinner – little Ronnie needed a hug”.
It’s a win win. Get hugging.
Scheduling to Perfection
If you’re a little bit OCD, like me, you may want to plan every day of the week. I like to know what I’m doing, when I’m doing it and with whom and what I’m going to eat. This is not always possible with a baby. You can’t guarantee that your baby will nap, feed or be in a great mood just when you want them to be. It can take 5 times longer than you had planned simply to leave the house, taking into account sudden feeds, exploding nappies and random vomit.
So I managed a slightly less firm schedule. For each day I would plan one activity, such as going for a walk, going to a baby club or meeting a friend. These are things that can happen at any time; you don’t have to be there at a certain time. Even baby clubs usually last for 2 hours so likelihood is that if you’re aiming for 10am you’ll probably still make it before 12pm. But having something specific to do undoubtedly helped me feel like I had a purpose.
‘The days are long but the years are short’ is a very true saying about parenting! Without any aim for your day the days can feel very long, particularly if your baby is grouchy. Have a plan but keep it flexible.
Parenting Activities
Once I suggested to my husband that he took our baby to a baby group. I reassured him that there would be other dads there and that maybe he would find some new dad friends, like my oh-so-excellent new mum friends.
He looked at me as if I was absolutely insane.
So maybe structured activities aren’t for you. Maybe you prefer chilling at home or with friends. But the social aspect will be great for your baby. Try a variety of groups or activities, as you will find they are all very different.
I attended an amazing breastfeeding group and loved it! Everyone was so friendly, as was the associated massage course I took. However, the local baby and toddler group was cliquey and I found it was very unfriendly to newbies.
Have a look around – you could choose from:
Swimming
Multi sensory groups
Baby play groups
Massage classes
Baby Signing classes
Breastfeeding groups
Chill Time
It’s ok not to want to do things every day. Down time is so important. Your body has been through major changes. You are probably unutterably tired. Your housework is probably all behind and the washing machine doesn’t know what’s hit it.
It’s ok. Just keep your pyjamas on and watch some TV. Binge watch Netflix. Cuddle the baby. Eat. Nap. Parenting is hard. Chill out.
Look After Yourself
A day of chilling out does not mean you are looking after yourself properly. Parents are in for the long haul, so make sure you can survive long term, not just dodging from day to day.
Mental Health: midwives check your mental health in the first few weeks, but you need to monitor yourself and ask your partner and friends to monitor you too. Try practising mindfulness or meditating for 10 minutes a day. Have a go at yoga. This is easy to do at home, or some gyms offer mum and baby classes.
Eating: healthy, nutritious meals. Regular food. Don’t miss meals, try to get your family to sit down together and share your day. If you are breastfeeding then regular nutrition is even more vital!
Sleeping: in the early days try to do this when your baby does. It seems strange napping for two hours at 10am every day, but if you’ve been up at 12pm, 3am and 6am to feed your baby it is a good idea to catch up on some sleep!
Celebrate your partner
Babies can be hard on your partnership. Whilst mums are facing the physical changes of having actually popped out a whole human being, and the wreckage that is left behind (I couldn’t sit down for two days and I think I got away quite lightly!), the partners are also facing huge changes. Suddenly there is a new person hogging all the attention, getting all the love and care. This can cause jealousy but also just a sadness as your partner comes to realise that this new era doesn’t involve him being number one anymore.
Parenting hugs
So make the biggest effort to stay strong. Remember it’s not a competition as to who is the most tired.
“I’ve been at work all day.”
“But I’ve had the baby all day.”
Help each other, ask each other about your day. Make time for date night. Whether it’s a pizza and movie or you fancy going out to the pub, time alone together is really important. Parenting is hard; help each other through it.
Equipment
So much equipment for such a tiny person! Is all that stuff really necessary?
The short answer is NO. Companies will try to sell you everything they can and it is very easy to get carried away and want it all. You don’t need it all and you are not a worse parent for not having everything on the market. This is a good time to talk to your nan or mum. Also a good time to seriously consider your budget. What items do you actually NEED and then what items do you just WANT?
Essentials to buy pre-baby:
Babygros/Vests
Bottles (if bottle feeding or expressing)
Formula (if bottle feeding)
Moses Basket & Bedding
Car seat
Pram
Nappies
Cotton Wool/Wipes
Toys
Do you need to buy all these? If you have relatives who want to contribute, go for the essentials first.
The Way Forward…..
So, once the mastitis had cleared up (I haven’t eaten cabbage since), my son guzzled formula like there was no tomorrow and we got used to taking out a vomit sized towel everywhere, life was much easier. He even learnt to sleep quite well!
Once you get to know your baby and your routines, life will be much easier and parenting may not seem quite so difficult.
So let me know if any of these tips helped you! What else would you add?
Written by Fran Phillips for her blog, Tea Please Love.
You can follow her on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram and Pinterest!
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