How to cut your childs nails: Team DILF guide

Firstly, how do you know when your child actually needs their nails cut? There are two major clues…

1/ They have accidentally touched their own face during the night and in doing so have almost lost an eye or at least caused some form of deep laceration which now makes you look like a terrible parent.

2/ Your child doesn’t actually do anything but their hands resemble that of a farmer with a mud fetish. How can you get a bath and wake up with more soil under your nails than you went to bed with? I’m convinced my eldest is building an escape tunnel somewhere and any day now she will go full Shawshank on me and I’ll get a postcard from the Maldives.

Now onto the actual cutting process. If you produce scissors for this task you are either absolutely mental or an expert level DILF. I prefer the clippers because I’m not a complete psychopath and have, just about, reached barely competent DILF level.

1/ Everything is about distraction. Before a child even gets a whiff of your intentions you need to have them sitting in the right position, on a throne of toys, drinking milk and completely oblivious to the potential shit storm coming their way.

2/ Clip and move. You are a samurai now. Each strike must be cleaner than the last. If you actually make a mistake you are Donald Ducked. A misplaced clip of any magnitude can lead to blood shed and blood shed leads to a lack of trust. Lose trust and you may as well walk out on your family now…or run with your scissors you absolute maniac.

Written by Neil McTeggart for his Facebook blog, Team DILF!